No Room at the Inn

So the decision has been made, and I didn't have to make it. There is no room for me on the Phase 3 trial at Dana Farber. They have four slots (it is a national study with many institutions getting a small number of slots), and I am second on the waiting list. They are applying for more slots, but the woman I spoke to said she was not hopeful. I should hear from them next week. So there we have it.

Mostly I feel fine about it. I called the herbal healer and left a message, so we will see what she has to offer. I had reflexology today and it reminded me that I need to seek out people who will soothe my body during this process, because I believe it is healing.

There is not much to say except here we are on another part of the journey with only a little idea how to proceed. I guess we will learn at every step.

Bennett is really struggling. She knows that I am going to die. She talks about it quite a bit. Today at school, during lunch, the teachers were telling the kids that someone's grandfather died and B burst into tears and said I don't want Momo to die. Then tonight she sang me a song that went like this "I don't Mommy to die, when you die you die forever." It was really heartbreaking. She also asked me today would I die while I was 46 or 47. I just try to maintain my calm demeanor and tell her the truth. You do die forever, I don't know what number I will be when I die, that I am going to die first. Etc. When I try to get her to talk about it, she doesn't want to. She only wants to talk about it when I am not prepared- or at least that's how it feels.

So to cheer ourselves up we are going to NYC in a couple of weeks. Hopefully the weather will hold. We are going to hang out with Jessica and her gorgeous babies and Bob and Jim. It should be fun. Bennett is already excited. Me too.