A Mixed Bag

I had a very hard time leaving my bed this morning. I woke up in some kind of funk that made me believe that I was only safe in bed and not out of bed. I finally asked God to help me out of bed and, I am telling you it was like a miracle, I suddenly wasn't afraid anymore and I just got out and started my day. Thank goodness starting my day was getting myself to Northampton and talking to Ruth on the way. My friend Ruth is very wise and really helped me remember that staying in bed like a turtle is not the end of the world. It's just something a person needs to do every once and awhile.

Then I got to see Nancy. She helped me realize that I not safer in my bed, I am giving up participating in my life. My precious life. She said I stayed in bed as long as I needed to and then got out. No judgement. That goes along with her belief that I am just as tired as I am, and there is no guilt about it. She is very good. She also put me onto a herbal healer in Amherst. I will call her tomorrow. I haven't heard back from the Phase Three trial people, and the longer they take to get back to me, the more I realize I don't really want to do it. I am just so tired of being sick sick sick. You know, from the chemo. I am also tired of having cancer, but that doesn't seem as tiresome as more chemo.

Anyway, I feel a lot better today. I still have some pain, but it's much less. I didn't take a Percocet yesterday, it was a Vicodin. I looked at the finer writing on the bottle this morning. It doesn't really matter because it worked and that's all I needed. I have an appointment with Dr B next week. I am going to drill him about pain management and who is going to keep an eye on me for this point forward. I am certainly not going back to my Primary Care Physician, and it might be a little late in the game to get a new doc. Unless it's time to move on to someone who specializes in palliative care. I might be getting ahead of myself. This is why I need to talk to Dr B.

Bennett asked me today if I was going to be the first one in the family to die. I said yes. She cried and said that she did not want me to die. I told her that I didn't want to die. Then she said that she wins because she is going to die last. I told her that was a great contest to win and I was glad she was the winner.