How About a Little Hope

Boy, after yesterday, and I mean yesterday, not the post two days ago, I really was wretched. I finally called Dr. B. He told me to stop eating solid food, take a whole mess of gas/poop modifiers and if that didn't work by this morning to take myself to a special appointment he made for me today at 10:15.  If I started vomiting, I was to take myself to the nearest ER. That got my attention. I am happy to report his advice worked and I went to the appointment anyway. I bought this list:

EARS
HEART
CONSTIPATION
GAS
PAIN

I came away from my appointment with four new prescriptions, a directive not to take anymore oxycodone, and to take my pulse now and then and call to report my findings tomorrow. And he's never seen cleaner ears (I am sure my Mom is having a proud moment). My ears are just like a text book- and since it's a teaching hospital, I thought he just might drag me around to show the awfully young and faintly scared looking interns. The unfortunate news is there is no explanation why my ears are blowing. We did discover that if I put my head below my heart that it stops. Not my heart, but the blowing in my ears. I wish I could walk around that way.

I have a prescription for Vicodin for pain now. I don't like Vike, so it will be easy to avoid taking it. It seems like there should be a whole host of pain meds to choose from, but I am allergic to morphine, Dilaudid (which I can only remember as dial-a-dude, "Hey dude, I'm in pain!") is so strong that when I had it in the hospital, I was so high that I had to call Bob to talk me down. And most other drugs, including Vicodin, are mixed with Tylenol which is bad for my liver. So the goal is to keep everything in check so I don't need the pain meds. Wish me luck.

My heart has been beating faster than usual. That is a sometime effect of chemo. Dr. B. would like to avoid putting me on a beta-blocker. Huh?! I am the one who gets sideways glances from doctors because they cannot believe how big I am and how slow my heart is. My theory is that I haven't been eating, been taking too much Oxycodone and haven't been sleeping from the pain. Once these things are better, I bet my heart falls into line.

Now you know more about my body than you did five minutes ago. All of this information makes me feel better and almost human. I am still working on feeling present, because though the pain has decreased I am still anticipating it. I am going to follow my new orders to the letter and pray for a very good night's sleep. I really really need it. I will confess to falling asleep while putting Bennett to bed. I woke up about 25 minutes later and she was still awake.

A lovely Bennett poem that really hit me today - "There once was a sad elephant who looked up and saw the sun."

I know just how that elephant feels.