How About a Little Hope

Boy, after yesterday, and I mean yesterday, not the post two days ago, I really was wretched. I finally called Dr. B. He told me to stop eating solid food, take a whole mess of gas/poop modifiers and if that didn't work by this morning to take myself to a special appointment he made for me today at 10:15.  If I started vomiting, I was to take myself to the nearest ER. That got my attention. I am happy to report his advice worked and I went to the appointment anyway. I bought this list:

EARS
HEART
CONSTIPATION
GAS
PAIN

I came away from my appointment with four new prescriptions, a directive not to take anymore oxycodone, and to take my pulse now and then and call to report my findings tomorrow. And he's never seen cleaner ears (I am sure my Mom is having a proud moment). My ears are just like a text book- and since it's a teaching hospital, I thought he just might drag me around to show the awfully young and faintly scared looking interns. The unfortunate news is there is no explanation why my ears are blowing. We did discover that if I put my head below my heart that it stops. Not my heart, but the blowing in my ears. I wish I could walk around that way.

I have a prescription for Vicodin for pain now. I don't like Vike, so it will be easy to avoid taking it. It seems like there should be a whole host of pain meds to choose from, but I am allergic to morphine, Dilaudid (which I can only remember as dial-a-dude, "Hey dude, I'm in pain!") is so strong that when I had it in the hospital, I was so high that I had to call Bob to talk me down. And most other drugs, including Vicodin, are mixed with Tylenol which is bad for my liver. So the goal is to keep everything in check so I don't need the pain meds. Wish me luck.

My heart has been beating faster than usual. That is a sometime effect of chemo. Dr. B. would like to avoid putting me on a beta-blocker. Huh?! I am the one who gets sideways glances from doctors because they cannot believe how big I am and how slow my heart is. My theory is that I haven't been eating, been taking too much Oxycodone and haven't been sleeping from the pain. Once these things are better, I bet my heart falls into line.

Now you know more about my body than you did five minutes ago. All of this information makes me feel better and almost human. I am still working on feeling present, because though the pain has decreased I am still anticipating it. I am going to follow my new orders to the letter and pray for a very good night's sleep. I really really need it. I will confess to falling asleep while putting Bennett to bed. I woke up about 25 minutes later and she was still awake.

A lovely Bennett poem that really hit me today - "There once was a sad elephant who looked up and saw the sun."

I know just how that elephant feels.

I Have Nothing to Be Afraid Of

What a weekend! Yesterday Pat and I took off to New York City for a big surprise 50th birthday party for my friend Bob. Now, friend hardly describes how I feel about my relationship to Bob. We met physically over 20 years ago, but have known each other spiritually much longer. He is a very special person who helped me learn about love and friendship and family and all good things.

So, Aunt Liz and Aunties Ruth and Theo tagged-teamed taking care of Bennett, while Pat and I drove to the city, got ready, walked 40 blocks (which sounds like a lot, but is only about 2 miles), and I got picked up in a limo. Two hours later, the ten of us in the limo, along with some guys who were playing Arabic music, arrived at Gramercy Tavern. Ten or more folks were there (including my fine Pat) to meet us and we ate delicious food, listened to more good Arabic music and watched a belly dancer. What a night. I couldn't really eat that much, which was a shame because the food was so good. I took one bite of the fois gras and remembered that it was liver and that was that. I gave it to my companion on the left and she happily ate it.

Everyone was really nice to me and I had some especially moving conversations with one of Bob's sisters. She was like a rock. That's the only way I can describe how I experienced her. When I met her, the first thing she did was bless me. The last thing she said to me while I was saying goodbye was "don't be afraid." Mind you, I hadn't talked to her about being scared. I asked her why I shouldn't be afraid and she held both of my arms, looked right at me and said "you have nothing to be afraid of." Talk about carrying a sharp sword. That lady cut right to it and I believed her. I have believed her now, off and on, for 24 hours.

We got back to our gracious friends, Angela and Paolo's, house early, slept and left for home at eight the next morning. Home by noon. Bennett was sort of happy to see us. After all, the fun of Aunties was about to end and that is always sad. I was super glad to see her. Being away from her is being away from the light in her heart. Very hard.

I had a lot of pain in my abdomen this weekend. I am trying to think of it as a gift of love from chemo. This is Angela's idea. And guess what? Today I realized it is a gift from chemo. I have terrible painful gas that roils around noisily in my belly and comes out, um, noisily. You get the picture. The gift part is that I have not had one speck of nausea or diarrhea. My oncologist told me that the meds I am on sometimes give a small percentage of recipients uncontrollable diarrhea. Uncontrollable! And I have been grumpy about gas. Another lesson about gratitude learned. It took almost two weeks, but I got it.

Tuesday is chemo day, mark your calendars.