The pump is pumping and while it's pumping, I am getting more and more tired. Pat and Bennett both have mild colds, so we are all a little out of sorts. Bennett, right now, is refusing to get into the tub, I am posting and poor Pat is running interference between the tub and our stubborn daughter.
Today I took B to school, went to reflexology and had an hour-long meeting with the pastor of St Paul's church. I took a short nap, went with P&B to pick up our new to us car and now I am about to fall over. Tomorrow I have to go to Worcester to return the pump. The only other thing I have to do is take B to school. My ride is not available until after noon, so I should have enough time to have a nap and get my ears in order. BTW it took until noon today for my ears to fix themselves. Usually it's about 10, but today was especially challenging. I really think it's a side effect from the chemo - even though Dr. B says he's never seen this as a side effect.
Reflexology was a dream. I wish I could go every day. I had an appointment with a therapist last night that I had to cancel. I am really sorry, because it is someone I want to work with. I will call tomorrow and make sure that we can reschedule. I had an appointment with an oncology social worker at UMASS. It was okay. There is only one OSW for the entire program so she doesn't take on hourly clients, but is available to talk anytime I am there for chemo. She did most of the talking and didn't really seem that interested in eliciting anything from me. I guess that experience will help me know more about what I am looking for in a therapist.
My time with Pastor Barbara was really great. She is very open and affirming (code for gay-friendly), had a lot of nice things to say about Holyoke and our community. She was great at answering my questions and made me want to continue to have a relationship with St Paul's. She is going to arrange for a healing prayer thing that will happen during the service - more than just reading the names of those who would like a prayer. I really appreciated that, and of course burst into tears. I am going to the 10am service on Sunday to witness a baptism, which I have never seen. I am sort of looking forward to it. This is one of those things that is a big surprise to me.
So, tomorrow more will be revealed. Right now I am about to fall asleep right here from tiredness. I wish I had more energy, really, it would be helpful.
Showing posts with label new car. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new car. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Meeting with Dr. B
Today I had my big meeting with Dr. Bathini. I came out of there terrified for my life. I didn't really learn anything new, just that he has a way of presenting information in such a stark way that I feel knocked down. There's nothing new to report, and I know that logically, but logic is lost to me in this situation. I still have the same cancer I did yesterday, I still know that I will never go back to being who I was before I was diagnosed - physically that is. I get that surgery, if any, is a long way away. My liver is a mass of tumors and my lymph nodes are a mess. I get all that. It's just hearing it all again, in the doctor's office while he is trying desperately to help me remember there is so much good news. So many advances in the medication, so many people living much longer than they ever imagined, so many new procedures and drugs.
This all well and good, but what I really wanted to do was shake him by the lapels and yell. Yell anything, things like "am I going to live?" "will I die a very painful death?" "what the hell are you talking about, this can't be my body you are talking about."
Now we are getting somewhere. How could all of this be about me? Me, the one who has always been so strong and healthy? How can it be that on July 25th I was healthy (or thought I was) and July 26th I have stage four colon cancer? How long has this been growing in me and I didn't know it? How come I didn't have any symptoms? I can't tell you how many hours I have wracked my brain to figure out if I missed something, did I have some sign that I ignored? Maybe, I just can't remember.
It's just rotten filthy bad luck and nothing to be done. I've cried, prayed, talked, taken an Atavan, it all helps. But, at the same time none of it helps. It doesn't change anything, it makes me feel better, sure. But the cancer is still there.
I am trying so hard to remember what Julie said to me this afternoon, she really gets into trouble when she is living in the future. The present is not terrifying- it just is what it is. What is my present? Pat is helping Bennett to go to sleep. I am posting and getting ready to lie down for the evening. I should eat some of the soup Kate brought by, but my appetite is nowhere to be found. My present is feeling the physical leftovers of the fear I've been fighting all afternoon. My mouth tastes like dirty socks - that's from the chemo. I have a headache from holding myself together. Zeus needs a bath and it looks like we have a line on a new car.
If I let it, fear will steal my life from me. Honestly, I don't know how long my life will be, why would I give it up to something as useless as fear? As my friend Ruth says, "fear, I scoff at you, Ha Ha!" The thought of saying that right now makes me want to have a break down, so maybe I will leave the scoffing for later, when I am a little less teary and a little more steady on my feet, feelings-wise.
This all well and good, but what I really wanted to do was shake him by the lapels and yell. Yell anything, things like "am I going to live?" "will I die a very painful death?" "what the hell are you talking about, this can't be my body you are talking about."
Now we are getting somewhere. How could all of this be about me? Me, the one who has always been so strong and healthy? How can it be that on July 25th I was healthy (or thought I was) and July 26th I have stage four colon cancer? How long has this been growing in me and I didn't know it? How come I didn't have any symptoms? I can't tell you how many hours I have wracked my brain to figure out if I missed something, did I have some sign that I ignored? Maybe, I just can't remember.
It's just rotten filthy bad luck and nothing to be done. I've cried, prayed, talked, taken an Atavan, it all helps. But, at the same time none of it helps. It doesn't change anything, it makes me feel better, sure. But the cancer is still there.
I am trying so hard to remember what Julie said to me this afternoon, she really gets into trouble when she is living in the future. The present is not terrifying- it just is what it is. What is my present? Pat is helping Bennett to go to sleep. I am posting and getting ready to lie down for the evening. I should eat some of the soup Kate brought by, but my appetite is nowhere to be found. My present is feeling the physical leftovers of the fear I've been fighting all afternoon. My mouth tastes like dirty socks - that's from the chemo. I have a headache from holding myself together. Zeus needs a bath and it looks like we have a line on a new car.
If I let it, fear will steal my life from me. Honestly, I don't know how long my life will be, why would I give it up to something as useless as fear? As my friend Ruth says, "fear, I scoff at you, Ha Ha!" The thought of saying that right now makes me want to have a break down, so maybe I will leave the scoffing for later, when I am a little less teary and a little more steady on my feet, feelings-wise.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Oh Yuck
That is how I feel. Everything smells terrible and tastes even worse. I have been guzzling Ensure all day just to keep up with calories and try to give myself energy.
The day started off fine. Dropping B at school, walking Z, getting B's winter clothes out and ready. Then that was it. Oh, I made a few phone calls and then needed a nap. I slept way too long because all I want to do is go back to sleep. I crept under the love quilt, after reading a book about God my brother-in-law sent my way, and it was snooze city. I didn't wake up until I heard Pat and Bennett come home - two hours later. Now I feel like a lump of unformed clay with a really bad taste in my mouth. You know everyone talks about getting a metallic taste in their mouths from chemo. Mine is just a really bad taste like I haven't brushed my teeth for about a month and the back of my tongue feels really fuzzy. It's pretty gross.
I have to return my pump tomorrow at 1:30 and see Dr. B. at 2. I would bet money he is late, but he is worth waiting for. My goal is to make sure we are on the same page in terms of my treatment. I feel a little adrift at the moment and need some reassurance that we working toward the same thing - my optimal care. I will feel better after talking to him, I know it in my heart.
Julie rescued me from having to drive myself to Worcester. She hooked me up with her friend Ann, who I have met a few times. I was so happy to hear that I had a ride that I cried. I was a little stressed about the drive on my own. It wouldn't have been bad if it was just returning the pump, but the whole seeing the doc and not knowing how long I am going to have to wait, etc. was making me worried about my stamina. Thank God for good friends and generous souls.
In other news, Pat's car came back from the mechanic with a note recommending "vehicle replacement." So we are on to getting another car. We have Holyoke Auto Center on the lookout for us and I sure they will get us what we want- a no-frills Subaru with all wheel drive. I want to AWD car to get us to Worcester this winter. That is my goal. Let's all pray for a mild winter with no ice storms. Okay!
That's about all I have for today. I am wicked beat and need to do something more restful than this - I can't even think what that could be . Maybe staring into space? Sleep, yeah, that's more like what I need.
The day started off fine. Dropping B at school, walking Z, getting B's winter clothes out and ready. Then that was it. Oh, I made a few phone calls and then needed a nap. I slept way too long because all I want to do is go back to sleep. I crept under the love quilt, after reading a book about God my brother-in-law sent my way, and it was snooze city. I didn't wake up until I heard Pat and Bennett come home - two hours later. Now I feel like a lump of unformed clay with a really bad taste in my mouth. You know everyone talks about getting a metallic taste in their mouths from chemo. Mine is just a really bad taste like I haven't brushed my teeth for about a month and the back of my tongue feels really fuzzy. It's pretty gross.
I have to return my pump tomorrow at 1:30 and see Dr. B. at 2. I would bet money he is late, but he is worth waiting for. My goal is to make sure we are on the same page in terms of my treatment. I feel a little adrift at the moment and need some reassurance that we working toward the same thing - my optimal care. I will feel better after talking to him, I know it in my heart.
Julie rescued me from having to drive myself to Worcester. She hooked me up with her friend Ann, who I have met a few times. I was so happy to hear that I had a ride that I cried. I was a little stressed about the drive on my own. It wouldn't have been bad if it was just returning the pump, but the whole seeing the doc and not knowing how long I am going to have to wait, etc. was making me worried about my stamina. Thank God for good friends and generous souls.
In other news, Pat's car came back from the mechanic with a note recommending "vehicle replacement." So we are on to getting another car. We have Holyoke Auto Center on the lookout for us and I sure they will get us what we want- a no-frills Subaru with all wheel drive. I want to AWD car to get us to Worcester this winter. That is my goal. Let's all pray for a mild winter with no ice storms. Okay!
That's about all I have for today. I am wicked beat and need to do something more restful than this - I can't even think what that could be . Maybe staring into space? Sleep, yeah, that's more like what I need.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)