A Blank Mind

It's uncanny how today my mind had been utterly blank. Not one bit of inspiration or idea to be had. I can't even muster a scary scenario. Oh, maybe I could do that if I really tried. It's as if all of what has happened in the past week has gone underground and has left me with nothing.

Today I did very little. Took a shower, played with B, folded the laundry and napped. That's the sum total of the gift of today. My friend Ruth assures me that my mind is working things out at a very deep level. That's a pretty nice way to let me off the hook for being either total spaced out, in denial or disengaged - or all three. I will take it, though, because I try so hard to stay present and real that sometimes I just need a day of blankness. Of course the fear is I will be blank forever.

I did fall asleep to the thoughts of working on my stained glass project. That could be seen as a good sign. Or maybe I should just stop questioning and let myself be. Alright.

I feel a little weak and tired today, like I don't really have the energy to do much. It's hard because I don't want to use too many calories to, say, take a walk. What if not taking a walk means I am giving in to being weak? It's such a hard balance. I have to remind myself that I am one day post chemo and that it is normal to feel kicked to the curb. Maybe this entire post has been a way to make myself feel like the way that I am feeling is not just normal but okay.