I am pretty much a mess today. I feel awful and tired. I am sitting on the floor trying to get some gas out- but it is so stubborn. My belly feels like there are tiny little mice with sharp teeth and claws running around in there. The docs said GasX, it doesn't really help. I read online that there is the kind of gas that you burp and the kind that is lower and that controlling the lower kind is difficult. No kidding. Oh, and the website (for a cancer hospital, I can't remember which one) also mentioned that it can be painful. Double no kidding.
This is not to say that I am online doing research about cancer- just chemo related gas. I did catch something about stages of colorectal cancer and that sent me into a small head spin. That is when I got out some fennel seed and started chewing, hoping against hope that it would work on the lower kind of gas. Because I want the gas to go away, I don't want to keep taking pain killers.
I haven't really been able to eat either. I was just going to say that I am not nauseous, but I am not sure that's true. Everything smells a little off and thinking about eating just makes me think "ewwww."
I haven't even mentioned how angry I am today. I am pretty mad. It seemed like my life was going pretty well, and bam! Now I can barely take care of Bennett. Monday is my day with her now that she is in school Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. And we had to call Aunt Liz to come get her, I just couldn't manage. That pisses me off. And you know what? it's not the cancer, it's the chemo. It feels really wrong to be mad at the chemo, when that is what is saving my life. You'd think I'd be normal and be mad at the cancer. Well, until a few short months ago, we seemed to be getting along just fine.
How twisted is this? It is how I feel though. I have at least four more chemo rounds to go - that's just until the next scan. My plan is for the docs to be so shocked that they 1) see only spontaneous remission, 2) order surgery to take out the little bits that remain. Let's all pray for #1, with #2 a good fall back.
That was my imperfect day. I can't even pep talk myself into feeling any better. I think it's time to do a little gratitude check with God. I'll keep you posted.
Oh, Ruth, I am so sorry you are experiencing this bad gas pain and that you lost your day with Bennett as a result. about the gas: there are positions that can help you expel it. try the yoga pose "child pose" where you sit back on your knees, with your arms stretched out in front of you and your butt against your calves. or lie on your back and pull your knees into your chest. Peppermint has antispasmodic properties and can help relieve gas-- if you have some tea in the house, try that. Maybe you are already trying this stuff, but I thought I'd throw it out there. I am around tomorrow-- call if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteHow frustrating. How frustrating. Hold onto your plan! It's a good one, and you've got my good thoughts and prayers on it. Love you!
ReplyDeleteRuth - I'm so glad that I'm coming on Thursday. We can practice our gas-moving yoga positions together.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's not such a bad thing to be angry? Perhaps it's part of the process of grieving for the loss of your health. I only say this because of your previous mentions of guilt, which is the stage before anger in the emotional healing process.
The yoga idea is great. Honestly, it's one way I've been able to ease gas pain. I've gotten on my knees then bent forward and touched my chest to the floor. It sounds weird but it seems to stretch out the intestines. I agree that's it's fine to be angry; chemo is exhausting and you don't have to be super human. Elizabeth
ReplyDeleteI am so sad to hear how Monday went and concerned that you didn't post yesterday. It all sucks that you're having to deal with any and all of this--I'm really pulling for complete remission.
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