As luck would have it, or in other words, Pat was nice enough to make it possible for me to sleep in until 9 am this morning. That means I slept almost 12 hours. Is this good? I've been asking myself most of the day. I was very blah this morning - all morning. Feeling disconnected and really tired. It took me until noon to get out of my pjs and out on a walk with Zeus. At 1, Julie and Liz came over to can and paint, respectively. I was a wreck. Not the kind of wreck you might imagine, but sort of tight all over and the only thing I wanted to do was go to bed and read HP. Any other day and I would have said it was okay, but I was so off that I knew not to do it.
So Julie and I played the sorting game. A game where you name a feeling, thought, memory, physical sensation and a few other things until you sort out what is keeping you from being here, now. It helped a lot. Mostly stuff you can imagine. Lots of physical stuff was plaguing me, but what was really bothering me was I was overwhelmingly sad, grateful and scared at that same time. Just needed a good cry and now I feel so much better.
Another lesson learned. Better to do than avoid. I knew I needed a good cry but was desperate not to. Just wanted to be the strong chemo girl, so brave. Ugh! Strong chemo girl is a person too. I am so tired of worrying that if I am not thinking positively hard enough or plowing through like a trooper, that somehow I am going to compromise my recovery. It's a lot of pressure to be under as it is, just to walk around knowing that I have cancer and that I have chemotherapeutic drugs coursing through my body and there's not much I can do except accept. You know what I mean?
In every other way my life is as I want it. I love my family and my friends are incredible. I love where I live and while literally watching the second hand on the clock today asked myself if I died tomorrow would I regret using these moments just this way, and the answer was no. Pat and Bennett at the park, Zeus at my side curled up on the bed. It was very comforting. I will keep asking myself this question, just to make sure that I am on the right path for however long I have. Because, as many of you know, I believe that there is no guarantee, period. Not for any of us (sorry, everyone), ever. And that means I have to be here, now.
It is really difficult to stay present, here, in the moment. Maybe that is why I've moved around so much. You have a lot to be present for: B is very in the moment. It's a gift to have her and Pat now.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth
Ruth, this is a powerful post. It seems that by resting, you let yourself rest in the moment, which is hard for all of us to do. My sister and I were talking about how we both hate driving in heavy traffic because we feel white-knuckle nervous about what sporadic, crazy thing the cars next to or in front of us might do. To which her daughter said "It's really hard being responsible for everyone on the road, isn't it?" I thought of that when you mentioned Chemo Girl.
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