I Feel Like an Illegal Alien

And my cover is about to be blown.  So far I've been able to mingle in groups of folks who don't know me and not say a word. They don't know, they have no need to know, I don't tell them the big scary secret that I am living amongst them, but are not like them.. This will no longer be true when I have no hair. They will know my secret, there will no way to keep the secret.

Not bald yet, but I'd say a good quarter of my hair is out. Not all in one spot, that would just be a cruel joke, but my hair is different enough that a friend asked if I got a haircut. "Nope," I said, "it's just falling out." So the jig is just about up. I have to come up with my cancer look. I've seen some bad-ass women in the chemo chairs with cool bandannas, one lady with a turban, wigs that look like wigs and wigs that you'd never know, and most people with their pates just hanging out for everyone to see. I hope I can be that cool.

When I get my look, I'll post a picture. No one wants to see the in-between phase, it's just me with a little less hair.

Today I turned 45. I have been mired in ambivalence all day. I should be celebrating, I feel like crap, I am nervous this is my last birthday, I need to rest and scheduled too many activities, I am a loser because I need to rest, and on and on. You get the idea of what's happening in my not-yet-totally-bald head.

As an aside. When we left chemo, the nurse said I am not allowed to use a razor, because I can't risk getting cut. Well, I thought, I don't shave anything, so that's no hardship for me. Except I have been informed that chemo doesn't always get all the hair and I might end up with patches on my head. I will be shaving something, so for my final birthday present I will get myself an electric razor. Maybe Bennett can help, she might think it's funny. Or it might traumatize her for life. Everything today feels like that.

Theo, Ruth and Liz came over to help primer the bedroom walls and ceiling. Boy does it look great! A lot of people have put a lot of hard work into that room. Pat (with Barry's help) did a great job on the floor. It's just all coming together. Next the color and then we move in. I am so happy we will have another bedroom and one so beautiful and wrought with love.

Before I go I will tell you that not posting last night was not good for me. I think not having that release made today a little be harder. So I will post and post and post and not worry that it's too much. And I will be better for it.