Trying to Feed the Ducks

It's been a pretty nice day. Started out with eggs with Bennett and then off to feed the ducks. We went to Mt Tom thinking their would be ducks on Bray Lake, nope. We were headed for the beaver bridge, but 3/4 of the way there, I pooped out. Bennett was very whiney too, so it was a big relief to her to turn around. We saw three ducks, but they were not interested in us one bit. Bennett and Mary threw some bread into the pond to see if they could be enticed, nope, these were wild ducks and didn't want our stinkin' bread. The fish on the other hand, came out of nowhere to eat it all up. For Bennett it wasn't the same, but sufficed.

Then off to Trader Joe's, where Bennett had a total meltdown in the cheese aisle. She is so so so sad that I can't pick her up. I took her by both hands, lead her outside and we had a good cry on the bench in front. A nice lady stopped and opened a package of cookies for B. We spent the entire time Mary was shopping just hanging out on that bench, talking about how sad it is for both of us that I can't pick her up. She is such a great kid, but sometimes the changes are just too much. Too much for all of us, honestly.

There is some good news. While I was neutropenic, I found out all kinds of new things that I am not supposed to do - see the hospital posts for the initial list. Now I find out that I can't floss, be around anyone who has been recently vaccinated, blah blah blah. As if having cancer is not enough to be freaking scared about. Now I have to worry about every bleeping thing around me, every person, every speck of dirt. Shit. This just doesn't seem fair. The good news, which I almost forgot, is I can eat avocado and any other fruit with a thick peel. Someone just has to peel it for me.

I feel like I am supposed to be more grateful, but I have been scared all day. It's the absence of pain that frees my mind to remember the bigger, huger, scarier picture. And I ask myself what I am afraid of and I don't really know. And I remind myself over and over that I have nothing to be afraid of, like Bob's sister says. So why do I feel it? I just don't know. All I can do is ease myself through it and remember to play with Bennett, hold Pat while we sleep, pray and just know that there are no guarantees, period.