Mary's Last Day Here

Well, yesterday was not a good day. Another day of stabbing belly pain and vomiting. I spent most of the day in bed trying to feel better. It finally happened in the middle of the night and I was able to get some sleep. What misery. Chemo is not for wimps and I think of myself as super pain tolerant. I guess I am not as pain tolerant as I thought. I can't do anything while I have that pain. And I just don't know how to make it different except to stick to liquids only. It's hard to get enough calories with liquids, but I am going to have to do it.

I feel a million times better today. A little weak, but after a thorough Scrabble butt-kicking by Mary, I feel human. It is Mary's last few hours here and I am going to miss her so much. I don't know how we would have gotten through me in the hospital without her here. Never mind all the cleaning and shopping she did for us. I want her to take me with her. It's that old strong feeling that if I leave none of what is happening will be true. But then I remember, wherever I go, there I am. And where I am, so is the cancer and the sometime pain and the fear and all the good things too. Coming off of yesterday, it's hard to remember the good because I am so worried that the pain will come back.

I am going to ask my doc if there is such a thing as a pain medication that I can put under my tongue. That way when I am vomiting I can get some pain relief. This is the second time this has happened and both times it was impossible to keep anything down - even the stuff that's supposed to help.

Bennett is snuggled on the couch, Mary getting ready to go and I am posting. Mary said I needed to make sure that everyone knew that I was feeling better. So now you know that I was feeling terrible and am better. The rain and cool air make it hard to want to do much. That and I feel pretty weak. I keep wondering how I could better prepare for what is happening? How do people get through this? This must be what everyone meant when they say chemo is really hard. But, I must remember to be grateful that I am not suffering as some have. When I had my first round of chemo, they gave me a list if symptoms that mean I need to get to the ER or call the doctors. They are very brutal - vomiting for more that 72 hours, etc. The listing of a fever of 100.4 or more is what took me to the hospital last week. I haven't had anything else on the list and that is something to be very grateful for.

Sometimes I feel pretty lonely. And I am sure that when Mary leaves today, I will feel it something fierce. Another thing to get through and survive. That's the name of this game - isn't it? Surviving. I am looking forward to a time when the name of the game changes from surviving to thriving.