Warrior Napping

That's what I've got to think of my days as - warrior napping to support my healing and fighting. I went to my first acupuncture appointment today. It was really different than I thought it would be. I thought there would be a lot more needles and that they would be in my abdomen and feet. Nope. Nancy, the acupuncturist, put about six needles in my left ear, one on the top of my head, one in my abdomen and a bunch on my shins. I really felt the one on the top of my head - it was like a full body shiver. That was my feeling the chi. That was it, then I spent about 20 minutes on the table with the needles in, almost fell asleep, and was told to go home and take a nap if I could. She didn't have to tell me twice, as I am becoming an expert in napping. I went home, ate some potato soup and yogurt, hopped into bed and woke up when Pat got home an hour and half later. The idea of the nap was so my chi continues to flow down towards my shins. I am not 100% sure about this last part, but that's what I walked away with. I will be going back next week.

So I have become a person who goes from acupuncture to reflexology to therapy all in the same week. This week, though, Magic Maryann is away so I will be going to Reiki for the first time. I am excited to try this, but know I will be back to reflexology as soon as I can next week. I know all of these complimentary therapies help in ways I can't know. I just know they feel great and I am lucky to have the time and resources to have them.

After I woke up, listened to my new favorite relaxation recording, I met Pat and Bennett at the park. It was a fun 15 minutes before it started to get dark. Bennett and I walked home together and she told me about her day. The word she learned today was "mega." Mom-o let's go mega fast, mega high, you get the picture.

Pat came home from Snow Farm with Zeus who had rolled in manure. He had to have a bath and is still stinky. Why are dogs so disgusting sometimes? And today Laureen came to clean the house, so to have this stinky but clean beast running around in our newly cleaned house seemed wrong in so many ways.

Tomorrow is the day before Thanksgiving. Pat and I have decided not to celebrate. Bennett will be going to Aunt Liz and Aunt Julie's house for a big feast. That's the part that keeps us from wanting to participate, well I should only speak for myself. A big feast with no way to eat any of it seems like torture to me. And right now I am feel so desperate for a feast that I know I would leave the party having eaten too much and not the right things and then I would be in pain. So no party for me this year. I keep reminding myself that this is my year of missing, and if I can get through this year, I will have the joy of doing all the things I didn't get to do this year again. I can hold on for that. Hold on with me, will you?

Not Yet

So the razor is not here, and the comb was kinder to me than I thought it would be. We will wait for the weekend to do the deed. Until then, I will model some hats that have come my way. This one from Linda at Plumdinger Studios in Pittsfield. I love it and it's lined with fleece!

This one from the lovely Deanna, who is an awesome knitter and spinner. Check out the incredible cable pattern on this one. The yarn is super soft and it's a great color.

Here is a scarf from Libby. It's got lots of great things about it - not only is it from my wonderful niece, but it's orange, and it has the words "confidence, wisdom, grace" printed all over it. What more could you ask for?

Last for tonight's posting is a hat from my friend, Elizabeth, who lives in Vermont. I think the fashion sense in VT wilder than Mass. At least Western Mass. 

There are others, including a great winter hat from my sister Joanne's doctor. She said it's the only hat that kept her head warm when she was bald. I am knitting a purple hat and I am sure has the winter progresses, I will acquire more head gear.

My day has been a good one. A nice session of reflexology. It is so good for my soul. My belly is a little sore today, but seeing as I've been pain-free for 10 days, I can deal with a little bit of soreness. This is nothing like the other belly pain. I don't even want to use that word, since I am not in pain, just a little ow-y, as Bennett says. I am grateful for the gift of today. The light is really coming my way.

A Little Bit of Pain and Anger

I am pretty much a mess today. I feel awful and tired. I am sitting on the floor trying to get some gas out- but it is so stubborn. My belly feels like there are tiny little mice with sharp teeth and claws running around in there. The docs said GasX, it doesn't really help. I read online that there is the kind of gas that you burp and the kind that is lower and that controlling the lower kind is difficult. No kidding. Oh, and the website (for a cancer hospital, I can't remember which one) also mentioned that it can be painful. Double no kidding.

This is not to say that I am online doing research about cancer- just chemo related gas. I did catch something about stages of colorectal cancer and that sent me into a small head spin. That is when I got out some fennel seed and started chewing, hoping against hope that it would work on the lower kind of gas. Because I want the gas to go away, I don't want to keep taking pain killers.

I haven't really been able to eat either. I was just going to say that I am not nauseous, but I am not sure that's true. Everything smells a little off and thinking about eating just makes me think "ewwww."

I haven't even mentioned how angry I am today. I am pretty mad. It seemed like my life was going pretty well, and bam! Now I can barely take care of Bennett. Monday is my day with her now that she is in school Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. And we had to call Aunt Liz to come get her, I just couldn't manage. That pisses me off. And you know what? it's not the cancer, it's the chemo. It feels really wrong to be mad at the chemo, when that is what is saving my life. You'd think I'd be normal and be mad at the cancer. Well, until a few short months ago, we seemed to be getting along just fine.

How twisted is this? It is how I feel though. I have at least four more chemo rounds to go - that's just until the next scan. My plan is for the docs to be so shocked that they 1) see only spontaneous remission, 2) order surgery to take out the little bits that remain. Let's all pray for #1, with #2 a good fall back.

That was my imperfect day. I can't even pep talk myself into feeling any better. I think it's time to do a little gratitude check with God. I'll keep you posted.