Warrior Napping

That's what I've got to think of my days as - warrior napping to support my healing and fighting. I went to my first acupuncture appointment today. It was really different than I thought it would be. I thought there would be a lot more needles and that they would be in my abdomen and feet. Nope. Nancy, the acupuncturist, put about six needles in my left ear, one on the top of my head, one in my abdomen and a bunch on my shins. I really felt the one on the top of my head - it was like a full body shiver. That was my feeling the chi. That was it, then I spent about 20 minutes on the table with the needles in, almost fell asleep, and was told to go home and take a nap if I could. She didn't have to tell me twice, as I am becoming an expert in napping. I went home, ate some potato soup and yogurt, hopped into bed and woke up when Pat got home an hour and half later. The idea of the nap was so my chi continues to flow down towards my shins. I am not 100% sure about this last part, but that's what I walked away with. I will be going back next week.

So I have become a person who goes from acupuncture to reflexology to therapy all in the same week. This week, though, Magic Maryann is away so I will be going to Reiki for the first time. I am excited to try this, but know I will be back to reflexology as soon as I can next week. I know all of these complimentary therapies help in ways I can't know. I just know they feel great and I am lucky to have the time and resources to have them.

After I woke up, listened to my new favorite relaxation recording, I met Pat and Bennett at the park. It was a fun 15 minutes before it started to get dark. Bennett and I walked home together and she told me about her day. The word she learned today was "mega." Mom-o let's go mega fast, mega high, you get the picture.

Pat came home from Snow Farm with Zeus who had rolled in manure. He had to have a bath and is still stinky. Why are dogs so disgusting sometimes? And today Laureen came to clean the house, so to have this stinky but clean beast running around in our newly cleaned house seemed wrong in so many ways.

Tomorrow is the day before Thanksgiving. Pat and I have decided not to celebrate. Bennett will be going to Aunt Liz and Aunt Julie's house for a big feast. That's the part that keeps us from wanting to participate, well I should only speak for myself. A big feast with no way to eat any of it seems like torture to me. And right now I am feel so desperate for a feast that I know I would leave the party having eaten too much and not the right things and then I would be in pain. So no party for me this year. I keep reminding myself that this is my year of missing, and if I can get through this year, I will have the joy of doing all the things I didn't get to do this year again. I can hold on for that. Hold on with me, will you?

That's a lot of Love

Thanks for all the great comments. I do feel the love. I actually do. I have been so sad and panic-y and stressed out that I forgot about the love. And some things happened today that helped me remember that life stuck in sad/panic/stress mode is no life at all. So I am slowly trying to trust that it's safe to come out and that it does not pay to walk around waiting for bad news.

These are some of the things that happened today that reminded me of the good. Aric (Bennett's teacher) met us at the door of the school with a big smile and Bennett went right with him. Aric or Margo meet us at the door in the mornings because I cannot go up to the germy classroom. An amazing arrangement master minded by my sister Mary.  I came home and the cleaning lady, Laureen, told me she is donating her services from now on. That made us both cry big tears. How generous and moving, and how will I ever repay her? I went to reflexology and the Magic Maryann told me my solar plexus is depleted. That's where a whole host of things live including confidence. She's right, my confidence is in the toilet, luckily she told me some exercises to help. She gave me some names for acupuncturists. (I have this idea that I should get acupuncture for my WBC. I have a call in to to Dr B to see if it's okay. I already have an appointment, but it will be after my next appointment at UMASS, in case Dr B doesn't call back on this one. Not really an emergency.) I got home and there was a gentle coconut Thai soup from Beryl with stickers in the bag for B. Our friend Dawn brings B home on Wednesdays - making it possible for Pat to work the whole day. Those were just a few things that happened today that remind me that there are so many points in my day where people help that make my life so much more manageable.  And I haven't even mentioned how hard Pat works. She works really hard.

Bennett just came up to me and gave me a bear to hold so I won't be lonely while she and Pat read bedtime books. Is that not the loveliest?

All those things add up to me feeling better - or does feeling better remind me to recognize the love? Who knows, who cares? It's just good to be a tiny bit out of my shell.

My scan is on the 27th - the Saturday after T-day. We are not going to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. It's just too hard to celebrate a holiday that is literally a feast. So we will be mellow at home and talk about what we are thankful for and I will have some soup and Pat will eat her diabetic meal and Bennett will likely have fish sticks. That's how it works here.

Back to the scan - the follow up will be the 30th and that's when we find out what the last four months of chemo (it will be four months at the end of November) did to devastate the cancer. I am praying for a miracle here and why not? Let's all pray for the radiologist to exclaim "where did all that cancer go?!"

Enough about the scan, there's not a thing I can do to make it happen faster and worrying never helped, so I will talk about my new sleeping hat. When went to the Cancer Connection, they had a lot of hats in a basket. I found a hat that is specifically to wear to bed to catch the hair that is falling out. Now I have to say that when I was first diagnosed UMASS nurses gave me a packet that included a catalog with items such as this. I can't tell you how grossed out I was. These were things for other people. Ha! Now I am so happy that my pillow won't be covered in hair every morning. The only thing about this hat is it is baby pink. Bennett will love it, I know she will. Anyone still interested in the hair saga, I still have some hair, but have taken to wearing hats every time I go out. For warmth and because you can pretty much see my scalp at this point. It's too cold to shave my head, so I just cover it now. I have a feeling this next chemo blast will be the one that really does my head in. One thing they don't tell you is how sore your head gets. I am not sure what it's from, but I'll tell you my scalp is super tender.

My cold is much better.  I feel better. I have felt the love and here it comes back to you. Catch!