That's a lot of Love

Thanks for all the great comments. I do feel the love. I actually do. I have been so sad and panic-y and stressed out that I forgot about the love. And some things happened today that helped me remember that life stuck in sad/panic/stress mode is no life at all. So I am slowly trying to trust that it's safe to come out and that it does not pay to walk around waiting for bad news.

These are some of the things that happened today that reminded me of the good. Aric (Bennett's teacher) met us at the door of the school with a big smile and Bennett went right with him. Aric or Margo meet us at the door in the mornings because I cannot go up to the germy classroom. An amazing arrangement master minded by my sister Mary.  I came home and the cleaning lady, Laureen, told me she is donating her services from now on. That made us both cry big tears. How generous and moving, and how will I ever repay her? I went to reflexology and the Magic Maryann told me my solar plexus is depleted. That's where a whole host of things live including confidence. She's right, my confidence is in the toilet, luckily she told me some exercises to help. She gave me some names for acupuncturists. (I have this idea that I should get acupuncture for my WBC. I have a call in to to Dr B to see if it's okay. I already have an appointment, but it will be after my next appointment at UMASS, in case Dr B doesn't call back on this one. Not really an emergency.) I got home and there was a gentle coconut Thai soup from Beryl with stickers in the bag for B. Our friend Dawn brings B home on Wednesdays - making it possible for Pat to work the whole day. Those were just a few things that happened today that remind me that there are so many points in my day where people help that make my life so much more manageable.  And I haven't even mentioned how hard Pat works. She works really hard.

Bennett just came up to me and gave me a bear to hold so I won't be lonely while she and Pat read bedtime books. Is that not the loveliest?

All those things add up to me feeling better - or does feeling better remind me to recognize the love? Who knows, who cares? It's just good to be a tiny bit out of my shell.

My scan is on the 27th - the Saturday after T-day. We are not going to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. It's just too hard to celebrate a holiday that is literally a feast. So we will be mellow at home and talk about what we are thankful for and I will have some soup and Pat will eat her diabetic meal and Bennett will likely have fish sticks. That's how it works here.

Back to the scan - the follow up will be the 30th and that's when we find out what the last four months of chemo (it will be four months at the end of November) did to devastate the cancer. I am praying for a miracle here and why not? Let's all pray for the radiologist to exclaim "where did all that cancer go?!"

Enough about the scan, there's not a thing I can do to make it happen faster and worrying never helped, so I will talk about my new sleeping hat. When went to the Cancer Connection, they had a lot of hats in a basket. I found a hat that is specifically to wear to bed to catch the hair that is falling out. Now I have to say that when I was first diagnosed UMASS nurses gave me a packet that included a catalog with items such as this. I can't tell you how grossed out I was. These were things for other people. Ha! Now I am so happy that my pillow won't be covered in hair every morning. The only thing about this hat is it is baby pink. Bennett will love it, I know she will. Anyone still interested in the hair saga, I still have some hair, but have taken to wearing hats every time I go out. For warmth and because you can pretty much see my scalp at this point. It's too cold to shave my head, so I just cover it now. I have a feeling this next chemo blast will be the one that really does my head in. One thing they don't tell you is how sore your head gets. I am not sure what it's from, but I'll tell you my scalp is super tender.

My cold is much better.  I feel better. I have felt the love and here it comes back to you. Catch!

I have a Cold

Want a chemo doc to call you back in about a minute? Call and tell them you have a cold. I am now on Cipro antibiotics. The idea is the virus can set up an environment for a bacterial infection and since I have so few WBC, it can get scary. Why does every normal thing have to be so fraught?

Dr B's first question was, is your daughter sick? Well, of course, we all are. What was I supposed to do when I saw first Pat then B getting sick? Move? Leave the house? Where would I go and how terrible that would be. So Pat slept on the couch and we thought that would be enough - like last time. Oh, actually last time I slept in the back room. Must remember that for next time - because that time P&B got sick but I didn't. 

I am feeling a lot better today, mentally that is. I felt a sort of lifting this morning, I don't know what it was, but I will take it. I took B to school, walked Zeus and went and got gas. Came home paid the bills and make some calls, including to Dr. B. After picking up the meds, I went to bed. It seemed like the safest place to go. I don't want a bacterial infection in my lungs and my colds always go to my lungs. I watched a little TV on the computers, tried to nap but kept waking myself up with a cough, or more mortifying, a snort. 

I also gave up the idea that the CT scan will ever be scheduled. Three weeks ago I thought the scan was all set for Nov 29 with a follow up appointment on the 30th- to get all the good news and I am sure there is going to be some. The scan department does not yet have any record of my scan appointment, so I am going to give this one up to God and let the appointment be scheduled for when it will be. Then we can reschedule the follow up (and all the rides and childcare we've arranged, damn.).  Of course I want to have the scan and find out how effective all this chemo (and rest and prayers and sending of of the good light my way) has been. I also fear the words "it's not working." I have to say, and this is not Denial, I have some indication that the main tumor is smaller. If you must know what those indicators are I will just tell you it has to do with pooping, so I will not get into details. Folks with kids and dogs know how much the world revolves around poop and what it reveals. Not everyone wants to talk about it. Thus, I will stop.

Tomorrow the CL is coming. That is the cleaning lady. The gas company is coming to fix our heating stove, and I have reflexology in the morning. I will have to catch a nap in there and that will make a full day. According to Jim's comment, I am allowed to ask you all to tell me how much you love me. So I am going to be doing that periodically. Like now. I think that will help me feel more connected to you all. I have been feeling pretty isolated and want to feel more connected. So have at it. I love you too.