Today I decided that I don't find therapy to be that satisfying. I think it's because I find the other therapies so soul satisfying, that a non-touch, all-talk therapy session just seems like no relief at all. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased to have someone to talk to that knows about cancer and can give me some good tips, but what I need is relief. Stress, anxiety, whatever is all over my body and having acupuncture and Reiki and reflexology help so much with my mind and my body.
I had therapy today and actually left feeling more anxious than when I arrived. I told her and she suggested I choose to leave the anxiety with her in her office. I thought that seemed like a great idea. Maybe next time I will ask her if I can leave the cancer there as well.
I am getting ready to get ready for surgery. I am going to order some more of the ugly but extremely comfortable sleep hats. I have been reading a book on what to ask the surgeon and anesthesiologist. I am working out with house calls for after the surgery for Reiki, etc. I like to be prepared.
I am trying to remain as relaxed as possible. The mediation recordings really help. Hanging with Pat and Bennett help too. The one really great thing my therapist told me today was we all need to touch each other more. That physical contact can greatly relieve anxiety. I totally agree, but have to point out the irony that her chair is no less than 10 feet from the couch where I sit. And why are therapist couches always so low and cheap? I have never in all my many years of therapy had a good place to sit.
I will leave it at that. Tomorrow meeting with the Prepare for Surgery person. I will let you know how it goes. I took a look at the book and it's pretty interesting. As always, I will keep you posted.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
ChemoCoaster
A ride you never want to go on - the ChemoCoaster. Up and down, up and down and around. For some people it makes you barf your brains out, for others it's just whips you around until you don't know who you are anymore.
That is how I have been feeling. I just don't know who I am anymore. I have this crazy life of going to different therapies and doctors all the time. I have to arrange for ride because I can't really drive for that long, I have to nap at least once a day, I have no hair on my legs (and other places that shall remain nameless), and I don't really want to eat. What? I never understood when people used to say they ate for fuel, now I do. It's pretty much a must do these days, not a big pleasure like it used to be. And I don't get to floss my teeth, for those of you who are not flossers, this is a big deal for those of us who flossed religiously. And I seriously want to want to eat a feast, then floss afterwards.
I had a nice thanksgiving-esque meal, turkey broth from Theo and Pat's pumpkin custard. Isn't that what Tday is about anyway, the bird and the pie and I got a bit of both. Round it out with some potato soup and it was good. The best part of the day was Pat and I got to have time to ourselves. A nap and lots of talking. We agreed it would be best if I lived a long full life. That has got to be my main focus. I am planner and I have been planning for death. I have to admit this. I have been making sure our money is in order, that all paperwork is in both our names, or just Pat's, I even have the room for hospice time picked out. And now I feel like I have to start getting rid of my stuff so Pat doesn't have to deal with it. It just doesn't make sense to get rid my clothes, but that's how I feel. It is another thing that makes me not really know myself. As crazy as this sounds, some of the things I've done are just good and smart and others are over the top. Pat says she likes my junk around and that I am not going anywhere and that if she died tomorrow, I would be left with all her junk. And I like her junk around, so there.
Tomorrow I have therapy and Reiki. No shopping for me. It's going to be all on line this year for me. I better get at it - only a few weeks until Christmas and I have a three year old who needs more books and Calico Critters.
So thanks for taking a ride with me tonight, I hope you had an excellent feast and spent time on gratitude. I've been talking a lot today about it, and it really helps.
That is how I have been feeling. I just don't know who I am anymore. I have this crazy life of going to different therapies and doctors all the time. I have to arrange for ride because I can't really drive for that long, I have to nap at least once a day, I have no hair on my legs (and other places that shall remain nameless), and I don't really want to eat. What? I never understood when people used to say they ate for fuel, now I do. It's pretty much a must do these days, not a big pleasure like it used to be. And I don't get to floss my teeth, for those of you who are not flossers, this is a big deal for those of us who flossed religiously. And I seriously want to want to eat a feast, then floss afterwards.
I had a nice thanksgiving-esque meal, turkey broth from Theo and Pat's pumpkin custard. Isn't that what Tday is about anyway, the bird and the pie and I got a bit of both. Round it out with some potato soup and it was good. The best part of the day was Pat and I got to have time to ourselves. A nap and lots of talking. We agreed it would be best if I lived a long full life. That has got to be my main focus. I am planner and I have been planning for death. I have to admit this. I have been making sure our money is in order, that all paperwork is in both our names, or just Pat's, I even have the room for hospice time picked out. And now I feel like I have to start getting rid of my stuff so Pat doesn't have to deal with it. It just doesn't make sense to get rid my clothes, but that's how I feel. It is another thing that makes me not really know myself. As crazy as this sounds, some of the things I've done are just good and smart and others are over the top. Pat says she likes my junk around and that I am not going anywhere and that if she died tomorrow, I would be left with all her junk. And I like her junk around, so there.
Tomorrow I have therapy and Reiki. No shopping for me. It's going to be all on line this year for me. I better get at it - only a few weeks until Christmas and I have a three year old who needs more books and Calico Critters.
So thanks for taking a ride with me tonight, I hope you had an excellent feast and spent time on gratitude. I've been talking a lot today about it, and it really helps.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Warrior Napping
That's what I've got to think of my days as - warrior napping to support my healing and fighting. I went to my first acupuncture appointment today. It was really different than I thought it would be. I thought there would be a lot more needles and that they would be in my abdomen and feet. Nope. Nancy, the acupuncturist, put about six needles in my left ear, one on the top of my head, one in my abdomen and a bunch on my shins. I really felt the one on the top of my head - it was like a full body shiver. That was my feeling the chi. That was it, then I spent about 20 minutes on the table with the needles in, almost fell asleep, and was told to go home and take a nap if I could. She didn't have to tell me twice, as I am becoming an expert in napping. I went home, ate some potato soup and yogurt, hopped into bed and woke up when Pat got home an hour and half later. The idea of the nap was so my chi continues to flow down towards my shins. I am not 100% sure about this last part, but that's what I walked away with. I will be going back next week.
So I have become a person who goes from acupuncture to reflexology to therapy all in the same week. This week, though, Magic Maryann is away so I will be going to Reiki for the first time. I am excited to try this, but know I will be back to reflexology as soon as I can next week. I know all of these complimentary therapies help in ways I can't know. I just know they feel great and I am lucky to have the time and resources to have them.
After I woke up, listened to my new favorite relaxation recording, I met Pat and Bennett at the park. It was a fun 15 minutes before it started to get dark. Bennett and I walked home together and she told me about her day. The word she learned today was "mega." Mom-o let's go mega fast, mega high, you get the picture.
Pat came home from Snow Farm with Zeus who had rolled in manure. He had to have a bath and is still stinky. Why are dogs so disgusting sometimes? And today Laureen came to clean the house, so to have this stinky but clean beast running around in our newly cleaned house seemed wrong in so many ways.
Tomorrow is the day before Thanksgiving. Pat and I have decided not to celebrate. Bennett will be going to Aunt Liz and Aunt Julie's house for a big feast. That's the part that keeps us from wanting to participate, well I should only speak for myself. A big feast with no way to eat any of it seems like torture to me. And right now I am feel so desperate for a feast that I know I would leave the party having eaten too much and not the right things and then I would be in pain. So no party for me this year. I keep reminding myself that this is my year of missing, and if I can get through this year, I will have the joy of doing all the things I didn't get to do this year again. I can hold on for that. Hold on with me, will you?
So I have become a person who goes from acupuncture to reflexology to therapy all in the same week. This week, though, Magic Maryann is away so I will be going to Reiki for the first time. I am excited to try this, but know I will be back to reflexology as soon as I can next week. I know all of these complimentary therapies help in ways I can't know. I just know they feel great and I am lucky to have the time and resources to have them.
After I woke up, listened to my new favorite relaxation recording, I met Pat and Bennett at the park. It was a fun 15 minutes before it started to get dark. Bennett and I walked home together and she told me about her day. The word she learned today was "mega." Mom-o let's go mega fast, mega high, you get the picture.
Pat came home from Snow Farm with Zeus who had rolled in manure. He had to have a bath and is still stinky. Why are dogs so disgusting sometimes? And today Laureen came to clean the house, so to have this stinky but clean beast running around in our newly cleaned house seemed wrong in so many ways.
Tomorrow is the day before Thanksgiving. Pat and I have decided not to celebrate. Bennett will be going to Aunt Liz and Aunt Julie's house for a big feast. That's the part that keeps us from wanting to participate, well I should only speak for myself. A big feast with no way to eat any of it seems like torture to me. And right now I am feel so desperate for a feast that I know I would leave the party having eaten too much and not the right things and then I would be in pain. So no party for me this year. I keep reminding myself that this is my year of missing, and if I can get through this year, I will have the joy of doing all the things I didn't get to do this year again. I can hold on for that. Hold on with me, will you?
Friday, November 12, 2010
A Good Friday
Just a quick one - a break for those of you who have been reading my super-long posts.
Therapy was good. Liked her a bunch and will be going back. Had a slight panic attack this evening, but am better now. Had a nap, and almost murdered Zeus for barking at the UPS guy and waking me up. Finished the stained glass for above the door in the new bedroom. It looks really cool. Did some laundry.
That was my day. In there also was the same fear and worry that I have every day. Do I have to have it for the rest of my life? Let's hope not. I also have a lot of that feeling that I should be a better person, and braver person and not have so much fear. But I will remember when I can, that courage is feeling the fear and doing the thing anyway. Does it count if you feel the fear, take Atavan, and do the thing anyway? Does that still count as courage? I think it does.
Therapy was good. Liked her a bunch and will be going back. Had a slight panic attack this evening, but am better now. Had a nap, and almost murdered Zeus for barking at the UPS guy and waking me up. Finished the stained glass for above the door in the new bedroom. It looks really cool. Did some laundry.
That was my day. In there also was the same fear and worry that I have every day. Do I have to have it for the rest of my life? Let's hope not. I also have a lot of that feeling that I should be a better person, and braver person and not have so much fear. But I will remember when I can, that courage is feeling the fear and doing the thing anyway. Does it count if you feel the fear, take Atavan, and do the thing anyway? Does that still count as courage? I think it does.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
High Anxiety
What is the 9am anxiety all about? It hits me everyday between 6am and 9am. I just feel panic. Most days now I take a bit of anti-anxiety meds, and as I've said before, they really help. I just want to know why. I know the big why- the whole cancer thing, but this is different. I think. I wake up before everyone else, I worry about when they will wake up, I worry that I will be too anxious to be a good person when they wake up, I get anxious about worrying and the whole thing goes into some bizarre spiral. The last few mornings I've listened to my visualization tape, but that's really about healing and cancer and not about abating anxiety (note to self, get another tape) so it doesn't really help.
Why do I call it a tape? What is it when it's on your iPod but not a podcast?
I digress. What usually happens is Pat goes to work, I hang with Bennett and we end up having a fun and interesting day - just like today. I swear it's the weirdest thing, I get all panic-y, Pat leaves and 10 minutes later Bennett is playing or painting or begging for TV, and I am just being a Mom. Albeit a panic-y mom. At some point the Atavan kicks in and it's better. I still hate that I feel the need to take it, but it seems to make things more manageable.
What did we do today? Not much. B played alone for a long time this morning. I think she needed the alone time- she is with people all the time these days. I talked to my sister Mary, Sandy and Elizabeth. They all had to hear how anxious I was. It was like I had a good piece of gossip, only way less fun. I figured out how to message on Skype and other not that interesting things. We went to the park all afternoon. It was the first time I had spent more than an hour outside in months. I actually stayed at the park for about 2 1/2 hours. Thanks to Sandy for doing all the running after the kids when they went astray. The only time I got up to try to get B to do something, I had to sit back down from the head rush. So it was really sitting at the park only, but it felt so GOOD. So normal to sit with Sandy in the park while B and Avy played. So wonderful to hear the other kids play Harry Potter and try out their British accents. The sun was wonderful.
Sandy kept B at the park another 45 minutes, so I got in some knitting. I have to make more skull caps because there is no way I am going out without a hat at this point. No way. I got some gourmet vanilla in the mail from my sister's mother-in-law- just about the kindest person I've never met. I feel the love from her, honestly.
So this is not a very philosophical post. But today didn't feel like a philosophical day. This is a good thing. Tomorrow I have the day to myself, which is a real gift. I have my first therapy appointment and I am so happy about it. I will tell you all about it tomorrow night. Until then, I am pooped out and have to zone out until it's not too embarrassing early to go to bed. I feel like I need to sign off by saying I love you all tonight. I can't get through this without each and every one of you. I really mean it. All of it.
Why do I call it a tape? What is it when it's on your iPod but not a podcast?
I digress. What usually happens is Pat goes to work, I hang with Bennett and we end up having a fun and interesting day - just like today. I swear it's the weirdest thing, I get all panic-y, Pat leaves and 10 minutes later Bennett is playing or painting or begging for TV, and I am just being a Mom. Albeit a panic-y mom. At some point the Atavan kicks in and it's better. I still hate that I feel the need to take it, but it seems to make things more manageable.
What did we do today? Not much. B played alone for a long time this morning. I think she needed the alone time- she is with people all the time these days. I talked to my sister Mary, Sandy and Elizabeth. They all had to hear how anxious I was. It was like I had a good piece of gossip, only way less fun. I figured out how to message on Skype and other not that interesting things. We went to the park all afternoon. It was the first time I had spent more than an hour outside in months. I actually stayed at the park for about 2 1/2 hours. Thanks to Sandy for doing all the running after the kids when they went astray. The only time I got up to try to get B to do something, I had to sit back down from the head rush. So it was really sitting at the park only, but it felt so GOOD. So normal to sit with Sandy in the park while B and Avy played. So wonderful to hear the other kids play Harry Potter and try out their British accents. The sun was wonderful.
Sandy kept B at the park another 45 minutes, so I got in some knitting. I have to make more skull caps because there is no way I am going out without a hat at this point. No way. I got some gourmet vanilla in the mail from my sister's mother-in-law- just about the kindest person I've never met. I feel the love from her, honestly.
So this is not a very philosophical post. But today didn't feel like a philosophical day. This is a good thing. Tomorrow I have the day to myself, which is a real gift. I have my first therapy appointment and I am so happy about it. I will tell you all about it tomorrow night. Until then, I am pooped out and have to zone out until it's not too embarrassing early to go to bed. I feel like I need to sign off by saying I love you all tonight. I can't get through this without each and every one of you. I really mean it. All of it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
What Happened Today
Isn't that what every blog post should be called? Really, because this is what happened today.
We all slept in until 7:30 and I had to be to church at 8. I washed what is left of my hair and prayed that my ears wouldn't blow (they did) and that I wouldn't be late. Deanna hooked me up with two long-time St Paul goers. Kathy and Tim were the perfect hosts and introduced me to Pastor Barbara who was super nice. The service was lovely and quiet. I will try the 10am service next week, which is supposed to be quite lively. I have an appointment with Pastor B on Wednesday to talk about what it means to be part of a church, etc. I'll keep you posted. I really liked my experience at St Paul's and can understand why a person would want to be a part of it.
I got home and we were all so tired that we went back to bed. There was no actual sleeping because Bennett wasn't quite as tired as we were, but it was nice to cuddle and chat. Pat took Bennett to a dress up birthday party - Bennett was Fairy Dora. She couldn't decide between being a princess and Dora, and why should she have to? So she looked wicked cute in her blue and purple tutu, Dora shirt and purple backpack. She wore that all day- until it was time to trick-or-treat - then is was about 45 degrees. It's hard to see a costume under a winter coat and hat. We had to tell B is was not polite to walk down the street yelling "it's time to get candy" at the top of her lungs. She quickly got the hang of "trick or treat" and "thank you." She got a ton of candy from just six or seven houses, plenty to last a good long while.
I got in a nice nap and did a few things around the house. Made sure the kitty is still on the mend, and that's about it. I have to say that I am not that too happy about tomorrow, Monday. Though I am feeling good, I am worried about having B all day by myself. I am going to keep it a nice quiet day, which she needs more than anything. That means I will have to figure out how to occupy my mind while B gets a quiet day. Any ideas? I am going to look into getting an oncology social worker instead of a therapist. I am going to call UMASS to find out if they offer anything like that. I bet they do. I bet I could see that person the day I have chemo. Wouldn't that be perfect?
My thought is an oncology social worker, or someone like that would be better for me than a nice lady in a home office in Northampton. I've done that, and I need something a little grittier. I do have an appointment with just such a Noho lady not this week, but next. The first therapist who had opening and time and takes my insurance. We shall see. I don't have much hope because I really want someone who is in the world of cancer treatment. This is good to know and I will start my new quest tomorrow. I suppose one could say I didn't find a therapist for a reason...
We all slept in until 7:30 and I had to be to church at 8. I washed what is left of my hair and prayed that my ears wouldn't blow (they did) and that I wouldn't be late. Deanna hooked me up with two long-time St Paul goers. Kathy and Tim were the perfect hosts and introduced me to Pastor Barbara who was super nice. The service was lovely and quiet. I will try the 10am service next week, which is supposed to be quite lively. I have an appointment with Pastor B on Wednesday to talk about what it means to be part of a church, etc. I'll keep you posted. I really liked my experience at St Paul's and can understand why a person would want to be a part of it.
I got home and we were all so tired that we went back to bed. There was no actual sleeping because Bennett wasn't quite as tired as we were, but it was nice to cuddle and chat. Pat took Bennett to a dress up birthday party - Bennett was Fairy Dora. She couldn't decide between being a princess and Dora, and why should she have to? So she looked wicked cute in her blue and purple tutu, Dora shirt and purple backpack. She wore that all day- until it was time to trick-or-treat - then is was about 45 degrees. It's hard to see a costume under a winter coat and hat. We had to tell B is was not polite to walk down the street yelling "it's time to get candy" at the top of her lungs. She quickly got the hang of "trick or treat" and "thank you." She got a ton of candy from just six or seven houses, plenty to last a good long while.
I got in a nice nap and did a few things around the house. Made sure the kitty is still on the mend, and that's about it. I have to say that I am not that too happy about tomorrow, Monday. Though I am feeling good, I am worried about having B all day by myself. I am going to keep it a nice quiet day, which she needs more than anything. That means I will have to figure out how to occupy my mind while B gets a quiet day. Any ideas? I am going to look into getting an oncology social worker instead of a therapist. I am going to call UMASS to find out if they offer anything like that. I bet they do. I bet I could see that person the day I have chemo. Wouldn't that be perfect?
My thought is an oncology social worker, or someone like that would be better for me than a nice lady in a home office in Northampton. I've done that, and I need something a little grittier. I do have an appointment with just such a Noho lady not this week, but next. The first therapist who had opening and time and takes my insurance. We shall see. I don't have much hope because I really want someone who is in the world of cancer treatment. This is good to know and I will start my new quest tomorrow. I suppose one could say I didn't find a therapist for a reason...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday
Today was an odd day. I woke up from nightmares with a beating heart and super anxiety. It was late and I had to wake B up for school. Luckily, I got her to school on time, walked Zeus and tried to quell my anxiety through blown ears. It worked a little. Then I remembered what my mother said - to take my meds and stop torturing myself. So, day two of taking a tiny dose of anti-anxiety medication during the day. It helped and I ended up getting quite a bit done today.
This is what I did. I waited a full two hours from my ears to some back. I have to sit to get them back so I watched a sort of calming cooking show on Hulu called Avec Eric. I am sure there is something about me and all the food TV I watch while I can't really eat anything. I got the house ready for the cleaning lady. I organized most of B's clothes, worked in the studio for an hour while listening to a Podcast. (Another tip from my mom, never be in a quiet house if you are anxious.). Took a nap for 45 minutes then it was time for B&P to come home. It was a nice day, with an email and call about local churches that are gay-friendly. I am going to try St Paul's this weekend, and maybe the UCC down by the War Memorial in Holyoke next.
Pat and Bennett came home after stopping at the park and carved the pumpkin our friend Sally brought to us. Here it is.
This is what I did. I waited a full two hours from my ears to some back. I have to sit to get them back so I watched a sort of calming cooking show on Hulu called Avec Eric. I am sure there is something about me and all the food TV I watch while I can't really eat anything. I got the house ready for the cleaning lady. I organized most of B's clothes, worked in the studio for an hour while listening to a Podcast. (Another tip from my mom, never be in a quiet house if you are anxious.). Took a nap for 45 minutes then it was time for B&P to come home. It was a nice day, with an email and call about local churches that are gay-friendly. I am going to try St Paul's this weekend, and maybe the UCC down by the War Memorial in Holyoke next.
Pat and Bennett came home after stopping at the park and carved the pumpkin our friend Sally brought to us. Here it is.
I have to say, I am pretty tired from all the anxiety and the not being anxious in an odd way. It is odd to know what's happening is still happening and not have the physical symptoms of anxiety. I have had weeks like this on my own, but something very deep is triggered in me these days. I guess I just need a little help. Oh, and I also called two more therapists today. We'll see if I ever get one. These two are recommendations twice removed from the original recommendation from my former, very loved therapist. I'm trying to find someone who takes my insurance. There are names that I have that sound incredible, sort of local cancer therapist celebrities who do not take my insurance. I don't have any idea - but I bet they are in order of $150/hour. I just can't swing that. Really, who can? I suppose I should just call and ask, I'll let you know.
Tonight will be a quiet one. I need to just be spent on the couch with Pat and Top Chef.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
No Title Today
You might want to get your tissues out for this one. I know I have mine. No, nothing happened, I did not get any bad news. I did spend the day very sad. So I thought I would post about it. It's all well and good to try to present as well and good, but some days are just very hard.
I was weepy all day. Just sad as can be. I thought the thoughts I didn't want to think and they did me in. I thought a lot about loss and how hard it would be for Pat and Bennett if I died. That is enough to get me going again. What would happen to my piles of artwork, what would happen if Pat decided to sell this place where we live? What would happen to Bennett's heart - would it break in an irreparable way? What about my people, all of my people, what happens to them? I become another story of someone they knew who died from cancer. Why are there so many of these f*ing stories?
Fear and anxiety have been my companions today. They were not invited, but they came anyway. They seem to have a key to the house. Bastards.
Then I went to reflexology with the Magic Maryann. She told me to think of life like a Japanese garden - you can only see the next ten steps, and the next steps will only be revealed with each step taken. I get into real trouble when I get ahead of myself. I am not dead. I am not dying. I am certainly not dying in the next ten days (barring some unfortunate accident, which could happen to any of us, blah blah blah). Bennett will be the blazing spirit on this earth that she is no matter what happens.
Pat reminds me that we have to believe that I am going to live. And that reminds me that I have to do things like place the books order for Bennett's class and call the drywall guy to do the Gallery. And, for goodness sakes, find a therapist. I have been trying, but the one I called today lost her husband to cancer and I didn't think she would make a good match for me. I want someone who has a spouse who lived. I want my therapist to think that cancer is something we survive. Period.
I will quote my mother again - I don't want to die, I just want to know what happens. My mother is going to be 82 in March, God bless her, and I want her to find out what happens too. I want us all to know what happens. Enough said.
I was weepy all day. Just sad as can be. I thought the thoughts I didn't want to think and they did me in. I thought a lot about loss and how hard it would be for Pat and Bennett if I died. That is enough to get me going again. What would happen to my piles of artwork, what would happen if Pat decided to sell this place where we live? What would happen to Bennett's heart - would it break in an irreparable way? What about my people, all of my people, what happens to them? I become another story of someone they knew who died from cancer. Why are there so many of these f*ing stories?
Fear and anxiety have been my companions today. They were not invited, but they came anyway. They seem to have a key to the house. Bastards.
Then I went to reflexology with the Magic Maryann. She told me to think of life like a Japanese garden - you can only see the next ten steps, and the next steps will only be revealed with each step taken. I get into real trouble when I get ahead of myself. I am not dead. I am not dying. I am certainly not dying in the next ten days (barring some unfortunate accident, which could happen to any of us, blah blah blah). Bennett will be the blazing spirit on this earth that she is no matter what happens.
Pat reminds me that we have to believe that I am going to live. And that reminds me that I have to do things like place the books order for Bennett's class and call the drywall guy to do the Gallery. And, for goodness sakes, find a therapist. I have been trying, but the one I called today lost her husband to cancer and I didn't think she would make a good match for me. I want someone who has a spouse who lived. I want my therapist to think that cancer is something we survive. Period.
I will quote my mother again - I don't want to die, I just want to know what happens. My mother is going to be 82 in March, God bless her, and I want her to find out what happens too. I want us all to know what happens. Enough said.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Now I Know What I Need
I thought I needed a support group, so I went to one last night. It was awful. It was traumatic. It is up there with the liver biopsy as one of the hardest things that has happened to me during this journey of mine.
I want to make clear that I am a true believer in therapy and 12-step groups and prayer circles and even support groups. And I believe that this support group is right for the people in it. Just count me out. I can't say too much, because the people in that group are people who are truly suffering and my heart really goes out to them. I can say that now I know what I need. I need a room full of joy, song, prayer, and the occasional good cry. I need the messiness of healing and lightness around me.
My sister Janna said that I can't dull my sword facing the enemies of others, that I needed to keep my sword sharp to fight my own enemy. Real truth and power are in those words. I have to fight this beast like the warrior I am. And I am not fighting alone. In those moments when my mind is free, I sometimes hear "I have cancer." So I decided I have to think of other things I have so when that tiny window opens, I can fill it with "I have God," "I have love," "I have Pat," "I have Bennett." I can't tell you how comforting those words are.
I can't leave on a heavy note, it has been a very heavy day. So I write about Bennett. First she has mastered our new iPad. Today she turned it on, opened it, booted up Netflix, found Caillou (a PBS cartoon about a 4-year old) and started the show all by herself. She turned to me and said, "Look Mom-o, I found Caillou." I might have to password protect the iPad...
Second we were goofing around and she said to Pat, "Come here, Mama, I am going to tickle you, I am going to tickle your arm peach."
I want to make clear that I am a true believer in therapy and 12-step groups and prayer circles and even support groups. And I believe that this support group is right for the people in it. Just count me out. I can't say too much, because the people in that group are people who are truly suffering and my heart really goes out to them. I can say that now I know what I need. I need a room full of joy, song, prayer, and the occasional good cry. I need the messiness of healing and lightness around me.
My sister Janna said that I can't dull my sword facing the enemies of others, that I needed to keep my sword sharp to fight my own enemy. Real truth and power are in those words. I have to fight this beast like the warrior I am. And I am not fighting alone. In those moments when my mind is free, I sometimes hear "I have cancer." So I decided I have to think of other things I have so when that tiny window opens, I can fill it with "I have God," "I have love," "I have Pat," "I have Bennett." I can't tell you how comforting those words are.
I can't leave on a heavy note, it has been a very heavy day. So I write about Bennett. First she has mastered our new iPad. Today she turned it on, opened it, booted up Netflix, found Caillou (a PBS cartoon about a 4-year old) and started the show all by herself. She turned to me and said, "Look Mom-o, I found Caillou." I might have to password protect the iPad...
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