Why Didn't I Post?

I don't know. I could feel the difference in my mood today and I attribute part of it to not posting last night. The rest I give to the dreary weather and my general Monday anxiety. We had a home day, which we both sorely needed. Not that I get out that much, but it was nice not to go anywhere and have B stay in her PJs all day long. She had a slight fever, so it was good to be home so I could coax her into taking her tylenol and drinking tons of fluids.

Today she added containers of Playdoh to the Christmas tree. Not under, but on the tree. I think this tree is just going to end up with lots of weird decorations. We have two bags of presents under the tree. Both bags were left at the front door with no way to tell who they are from. So, if it was one of you guys, thanks. Really, it's nice to be the recipients of such generosity. I just truly wish I knew who to thank.

I am incredibly anxious about the surgery today. I had to take extra Atavan. As an aside, I had an interesting conversation with my acupuncturist about Atavan. She told me of this woman she admired who had cancer, terrible anxiety and a lot of clarity about how important it was to take her anti-anxiety meds. She was just really accepting of the fact that they made her life a whole lot easier and better and she didn't have any qualms about taking them. I have been trying to channel that kind of ease around my meds. So today when my now 5am half an Atavan stopped working around 2, I took another half and my life was so much better.

Did I write about the 5am Atavan? I don't think so. My therapist told me that the key to anxiety, pain and nausea is to stay ahead of them. If you get too far into any one of them, it's hard for the meds to catch up. So she suggested that since I wake at around 5 every morning anyway, to not wait until I felt the anxiety, but to just take half an Atavan under my tongue and go back to bed. It works like a charm. Now I can actually go back to sleep and wake up not anxious. I think my therapist knows a lot of tricks about drugs. I like that.

I think I will be less anxious about the surgery after my appointment with the surgeon on Friday. I keep reminding myself that these guys are experts at pain management. My mom, who had her hips replaced, said that she felt very well taken care of pain-wise. She also mentioned that the pre-op is handled very well, very gently. I hope that will be true at UMASS too.

I have to go now. All of this is making me want to cry. Crying without eyelashes is very messy. You wouldn't believe how big tears really are until they are no longer filtered through lashes. I hope you never have to find this out.

What Happened to the Kitty?

Our kitty has a big bump on her head. A real goose-egg. I have no idea what happened and we are all concerned. Even Bennett is being nice to her frienemy, the cat. I am sure after a good night's sleep she will be fine, but it's still a little disconcerting. Bennett has a little cold, Pat has a sore throat, the cat got hurt who knows how, and I still have cancer.

That's the thing that gets me. I can have a really good day, like today, and when I sit to write I think, oh yeah, I have cancer. I still wonder how that can be. It's a little like the cat - what the hell happened? At least with her, I can be pretty sure she is going to be better in the morning and by tomorrow night she will be torturing the mice in the cemetery behind the house. Me, I probably won't be up to catching mice until next summer.

I did have a nice day today. I thought since I had such a great day yesterday, I wouldn't have to take the anti-anxiety meds. Ha! I took them yesterday, why did I think today would be any different? Even Magical Mary Ann, told me to take the meds. I thought she would want me to only use some fancy breathing trick, but no. So, I took the meds again this morning and it does make a huge difference. The little pill lets me have my day. B and I hung out for a long time just watching Dora and cuddling. Then I went to get a new phone (my old one was acting weird and the idea of not having a phone is scary for me), went to the park until it rained so hard we had to leave. Then more cuddling and Dora. Until Auntie Ruth and Theo took B to the farm for the very last pick up. I happen to know they saw BFF Avy there and played a game called "dangerous truck." The amount of sand that came out of Bennett's hair at bath time can attest to the fun they must have had.

I, on the other hand, had a delicious nap and played word games on the iPaddy for about an hour afterwards. It was the perfect break. I nap now with my iPad playing wave sounds. I always have the radio on classical and I listen to podcasts when I get to the studio. My mom was right, it just makes life richer to have sound around all the time. I think the wave sound keeps some part of my mind busy so that I don't have as many of the bad thoughts.

I still have the bad thoughts. They are there and I am pretty sure I will never be rid of them. That's okay, as long as I can try to befriend them - to take the power away. They are part of me, after all. I really hate to admit it, but they are. It seems silly that I would have to go through cancer and actually believe that I could get away with not having scary repetitive thoughts and bad dreams. Another surprise.

The one thing that really surprised me the other day, is that I knew some of the things that were going to happen to me - the hair, the nausea, being bone tired, etc, - I just didn't know they were all going to happen at once. I thought I would get the chance to tackle them one at a time. Not so, my friends. They are all happening at the same time. Who knew? To have a couple of good days seems like such a gift. I will take these gifts and thank God and the universe for them. Remind myself of all the good things I have in between the bad thoughts, fatigue and nightmares. So, thank you God and I'll take another.

Tuesday

Today was an odd day. I woke up from nightmares with a beating heart and super anxiety. It was late and I had to wake B up for school. Luckily, I got her to school on time, walked Zeus and tried to quell my anxiety through blown ears. It worked a little. Then I remembered what my mother said - to take my meds and stop torturing myself. So, day two of taking a tiny dose of anti-anxiety medication during the day. It helped and I ended up getting quite a bit done today.

This is what I did. I waited a full two hours from my ears to some back. I have to sit to get them back so I watched a sort of calming cooking show on Hulu called Avec Eric. I am sure there is something about me and all the food TV I watch while I can't really eat anything. I got the house ready for the cleaning lady. I organized most of B's clothes, worked in the studio for an hour while listening to a Podcast. (Another tip from my mom, never be in a quiet house if you are anxious.). Took a nap for 45 minutes then it was time for B&P to come home. It was a nice day, with an email and call about local churches that are gay-friendly. I am going to try St Paul's this weekend, and maybe the UCC down by the War Memorial in Holyoke next.

Pat and Bennett came home after stopping at the park and carved the pumpkin our friend Sally brought to us. Here it is.

I have to say, I am pretty tired from all the anxiety and the not being anxious in an odd way. It is odd to know what's happening is still happening and not have the physical symptoms of anxiety. I have had weeks like this on my own, but something very deep is triggered in me these days. I guess I just need a little help. Oh, and I also called two more therapists today. We'll see if I ever get one. These two are recommendations twice removed from the original recommendation from my former, very loved therapist. I'm trying to find someone who takes my insurance. There are names that I have that sound incredible, sort of local cancer therapist celebrities who do not take my insurance. I don't have any idea - but I bet they are in order of $150/hour. I just can't swing that. Really, who can? I suppose I should just call and ask, I'll let you know.

Tonight will be a quiet one. I need to just be spent on the couch with Pat and Top Chef.

The Sunday Before the Monday

It's Sunday night and that probably seems like no big deal.  For me it's a hard time.  Tomorrow Pat goes to work and I have the whole day with Bennett.  What a joy to be with her - just the two of us, that's true.  The only thing is that eight hours with a three year old doesn't take up a lot of mental space.  So my mind wanders, wanders to places I don't want to go.

One might say, stay in the moment, it's still Sunday.  One might also say shut the hell up, this is about as scary as it gets. 

I have a nice long list of things to do and hope that I have the energy and the gumption to do them.  We are trying to get the second bedroom done before the end of the week - that mean finishing the walls, trim, painting and getting the floor installed.  And I had to send an email to my most favorite electrician to tell him I have cancer and need him to make the power live this week.  This is all so I can have a place to go if my three different anti-nausea meds and three different anti-diarrhealmeds don't work.

Who knew?  Who knew that clearing out the medicine cabinet for actual medications would need to happen?  Where are we going to keep the Q-tips?

I had this idea that I would want to write all the gory details about the procedures I had (note: first post), but now I don't want to.  If you want to know what something is like, ask and I will write about it.

I will say that going to the Mystic Aquarium yesterday was a blast.  I felt old old old because I am not my robust self, but seeing those seals really reminded me of the sheer power of nature and fun. 

I will end this post on a good note. The PET scan did not reveal anything that we didn't know about.  This is very very good news.  I was super afraid the cancer was also in my lungs - and it's NOT!  So a super big YAY and thank you God for that one.  And for everything.  I can feel like light a little better now.  Thanks.