High Anxiety

What is the 9am anxiety all about? It hits me everyday between 6am and 9am. I just feel panic. Most days now I take a bit of anti-anxiety meds, and as I've said before, they really help. I just want to know why. I know the big why- the whole cancer thing, but this is different. I think. I wake up before everyone else, I worry about when they will wake up, I worry that I will be too anxious to be a good person when they wake up, I get anxious about worrying and the whole thing goes into some bizarre spiral. The last few mornings I've listened to my visualization tape, but that's really about healing and cancer and not about abating anxiety (note to self, get another tape) so it doesn't really help.

Why do I call it a tape? What is it when it's on your iPod but not a podcast?

I digress. What usually happens is Pat goes to work, I hang with Bennett and we end up having a fun and interesting day - just like today. I swear it's the weirdest thing, I get all panic-y, Pat leaves and 10 minutes later Bennett is playing or painting or begging for TV, and I am just being a Mom. Albeit a panic-y mom. At some point the Atavan kicks in and it's better. I still hate that I feel the need to take it, but it seems to make things more manageable.

What did we do today? Not much. B played alone for a long time this morning. I think she needed the alone time- she is with people all the time these days. I talked to my sister Mary, Sandy and Elizabeth. They all had to hear how anxious I was. It was like I had a good piece of gossip, only way less fun. I figured out how to message on Skype and other not that interesting things. We went to the park all afternoon. It was the first time I had spent more than an hour outside in months. I actually stayed at the park for about 2 1/2 hours. Thanks to Sandy for doing all the running after the kids when they went astray. The only time I got up to try to get B to do something, I had to sit back down from the head rush. So it was really sitting at the park only, but it felt so GOOD. So normal to sit with Sandy in the park while B and Avy played. So wonderful to hear the other kids play Harry Potter and try out their British accents. The sun was wonderful.

Sandy kept B at the park another 45 minutes, so I got in some knitting. I have to make more skull caps because there is no way I am going out without a hat at this point. No way. I got some gourmet vanilla in the mail from my sister's mother-in-law- just about the kindest person I've never met. I feel the love from her, honestly.

So this is not a very philosophical post. But today didn't feel like a philosophical day.  This is a good thing. Tomorrow I have the day to myself, which is a real gift. I have my first therapy appointment and I am so happy about it. I will tell you all about it tomorrow night. Until then, I am pooped out and have to zone out until it's not too embarrassing early to go to bed. I feel like I need to sign off by saying I love you all tonight. I can't get through this without each and every one of you. I really mean it. All of it.

Maiden Voyage

This photo is from last year, but I wanted to start with something really wonderful. And there is my really wonderful family, Pat and Bennett.

Today was return the pump to Worcester day. My faithful friend Liz, who has been shuttling me back and forth to Worcester came down with a cold. Remembering my last post about not being around sick people, no matter how nice, Pat and I decided it was time for me to try to get to UMASS by myself.  Luckily I woke up feeling great. I took Zeus for a longer walk than yesterday, made myself busy in the house while listening to Theo continue to work her magic on the trim in the bedroom.  It looks beautiful and I am so happy the bedroom is coming along.

As luck would have it, one of Pat's colleagues sent to us a bag of things like the Harry Potter books on CD.  I am pretty sure these items were meant for Bennett. But in all times of stress, I read Harry Potter. I am on #3, so I grabbed the CDs and off I went to Worcester at 12:15.  It was great to have such good company.  I wish Dumbledore lived in my house. Is it bad karma to wish that Dumbledore was my oncologist? I really like and trust Dr. Bathini, but there is something about Dumbledore - and I know you know what I mean.

I arrived exactly when the pump started beeping that the drugs were done, and in a blink of an eye they unhooked me. I have to say it was a little weird because they have to unlock it and unscrew it out of my skin - a little like a childproof cap. I meant to take pictures of the pump and the tubes into my chest so I could post them, but I forgot. Maybe some higher power was working on my memory to spare you all those photos. I will soon be posting pictures of me with my hair. It's longer than it's been in years.

Just in time to fall out. Good thing I like to knit. Good thing I have a nicely shaped head. I can say that confidently because I have had more than one hair dresser remark on it.  We will soon find out...

So that's it medical treatment-wise until 8/31. Now I get to do the activities that I can manage as long as I stay out of the sun, out of hot tubs and take my meds every eight hours without fail.

I am super tired and am looking forward to a nice sleep. Keep me in your light.