ChemoCoaster

A ride you never want to go on - the ChemoCoaster. Up and down, up and down and around. For some people it makes you barf your brains out, for others it's just whips you around until you don't know who you are anymore.

That is how I have been feeling. I just don't know who I am anymore. I have this crazy life of going to different therapies and doctors all the time. I have to arrange for ride because I can't really drive for that long, I have to nap at least once a day, I have no hair on my legs (and other places that shall remain nameless), and I don't really want to eat. What? I never understood when people used to say they ate for fuel, now I do. It's pretty much a must do these days, not a big pleasure like it used to be. And I don't get to floss my teeth, for those of you who are not flossers, this is a big deal for those of us who flossed religiously. And I seriously want to want to eat a feast, then floss afterwards.

I had a nice thanksgiving-esque meal, turkey broth from Theo and Pat's pumpkin custard. Isn't that what Tday is about anyway, the bird and the pie and I got a bit of both. Round it out with some potato soup and it was good. The best part of the day was Pat and I got to have time to ourselves. A nap and lots of talking. We agreed it would be best if I lived a long full life. That has got to be my main focus. I am planner and I have been planning for death. I have to admit this. I have been making sure our money is in order, that all paperwork is in both our names, or just Pat's, I even have the room for hospice time picked out. And now I feel like I have to start getting rid of my stuff so Pat doesn't have to deal with it. It just doesn't make sense to get rid my clothes, but that's how I feel. It is another thing that makes me not really know myself. As crazy as this sounds, some of the things I've done are just good and smart and others are over the top. Pat says she likes my junk around and that I am not going anywhere and that if she died tomorrow, I would be left with all her junk. And I like her junk around, so there.

Tomorrow I have therapy and Reiki. No shopping for me. It's going to be all on line this year for me. I better get at it - only a few weeks until Christmas and I have a three year old who needs more books and Calico Critters.

So thanks for taking a ride with me tonight, I hope you had an excellent feast and spent time on gratitude. I've been talking a lot today about it, and it really helps.