I hate that I have this blog, because it means I have cancer. I just read the Five Stage of Grief and I am so in stage two that I am embarrassed.
Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
There it is. My shame. I have nothing else to say except it's not a nice place to be in - to feel so much jealousy and anger. It brings me to sad bitter tears. I feel like such a meany, so unChristian-like, so sad. I know it must be normal if it's written down, but I still don't like it. And now that I read it again, I am not sure I am "very difficult to care for." And it's not true that any individual is a target for me. Mostly I feel jealous of freedom of movement - both literal and metaphorical. I feel weak and fatigued so I can't do much. I have a lot of crap going around in my head, so even if I can move I can't get away from myself. My head. My crap-filled head.
I didn't post last night because I just needed a night where I didn't have to end up crying in front of the computer or really digging into how I am feeling. I just needed a night with a stupid movie and Pat and for those two hours I honestly forgot that I am a cancer patient who has a ton of anxiety and fear and fatigue. I was just a person watching a semi-funny movie. Is that too much to ask?
As you all know, this blog has just about saved my sanity, but I might be going through a phase where it's hard for me to bare all. Or maybe not, because this seems pretty much like baring it all.
Ruth, the blog is for you, and even when we hate it when you don't blog, it's only because we love you. Your feelings are very human and familiar. When I was in a wheelchair, I was resentful and jealous of people who could walk.
ReplyDeleteWas very much like "baring it all." And thanks, once again as always, for changing me with your post. Though, please know that changing me and baring it all are not your responsibility right now.
ReplyDeleteRuth, I love you. Feel free to make your post some nights nothing more than "oh, just tell me you love me..." and we'll fill the comments with our love.
The stages are a helpful explanation but you'll slip in and out and around. Anger and resentment very real. Warriors get to feel all their feelings or they wouldn't be warriors. We do love you.
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