Yep, got chemo and was so exhausted I went to bed at about 6:30 last night - so no post. Not posting is one of the last things I thought of before I fell asleep. This is what I was going to post "Got hit by a truck, got up, got hit by a truck again, stay tuned for news of my miraculous survival." But I just couldn't get up the energy. That does pretty much feel accurate.
Right now I am pretty okay. Freaked out about everything as usual. I just wish I could get more hours of the day when I am not scared out of my boots, as my mom says. I have moments when my mind is still and then I snap out of it. I have some great relaxation tapes that help, but I need stillness to be a greater part of my life. Any ideas of how to get there? I will take any and all tips.
Tomorrow I give my pump back and get my first Neulasta shot. Then I have my CT scan on the 27th. I won't know anything about it until Dec. 3 at the earliest. That is the date Dr. B. will present my case to the Tumor Board. That's the multidisciplinary team that decides what the next course of action is. I am having chemo on the 1st, so my guess is that the TB will recommend more chemo. The other choice would be surgery, which you all know I want. It's not really an option until my liver clears up a little. There are so many tumors on my liver that it is not operable at the moment - it might be different from this course of chemo, but Dr. B. said that would be unlikely. The thing about Dr. B. is that he has to tell me a lot of bad news, so I think he's more of an asshole than he really is. Since I met with him yesterday, I think he's a pretty big one. One day he will give me good news and I will think he is a saint, until then,,,
Thanks for all the well-wishes yesterday, they were well needed and appreciated. I am pretty tired right now and have to get a very sad and tired Bennett off to bed. I am not sure what the matter is, but as you can imagine she is stressed out too. It's pretty likely she doesn't know what the matter is either. How that breaks my heart.
When I need to quiet an unquiet mind, I like to go into the woods and sit by a stream or waterfall or just look up at the trees. And close my eyes and breathe. It helps to feel that I am a part of nature, not apart from it. so that's my tip, for what it is worth. And there are lots of places locally where you can get into (and out of) the woods pretty quickly and easily-- Arcadia, the Route 5 entrance to Mount Tom.
ReplyDeleteHave a restful night.
Good to hear you got the chemo yesterday. This is another of those very honest posts that I just stare into quietly. Sorry for your stress and Bennett's and, no doubt, Pat's too. I suppose the stress will naturally be there the closer you get to your Dec. 3rd appointment. Oh, how I wish we were already there for your sake. Sending a constant stream of love your way, and presence at your posts.
ReplyDeleteok so, now I will begin to visualize Dr. B as an angel so you can get good news. Big hugs to Bennett. Yoga quiets my crazy mind and, I agree with Sandy, the sound of running water with the sun on my face. I will be thinking of you with peaceful thoughts today...of rest and health. Karen B
ReplyDeleteI guess all warriors are always afraid to some extent--otherwise they'd be idiots. Your sympathetic nervous system is doing what it's supposed to do--create energy to "fight or flight". You can get some relief if you engage your parasympathetic nervous system. The nerve receptors for the sympathetic nervos system are in the upper lungs. That's why we take short shallow breaths when we're afraid. The nerves for the parasympathetic are in the lower lungs--that's why we" take a sigh of relief". Deep breathing is very powerful in helping to regulate emotion. Fold a blanket into a rectangle and lie on it on the floor lengthwise so it lifts and opens your chest. Arms resting at your sides, palms up. Support your head so your forehead is slightly above your chin. Breath slowly and deeply into your belly and hold it gently. Exhale slowly and hold the breath out. Do this for ten minutes twice a day. Yeah, i'm always full of bright ideas..ever the compulsive teacher. Sending love & light. -sharon
ReplyDeleteI agree with Karen B and Sharon - the yoga and yoga breathing is great. It takes me about 5 minutes into the breathing to stop my manic thoughts, but when I finally can quiet my head and settle into the breathing it is amazing how relaxed I feel. The other thing that helps me is to sing. (of course I do this alone because nobody should be subjected to my singing). I sing to my ipod, I sing the hymns I remember from church-anything just as long as it's not sad.
ReplyDeleteWe think about you, P & B every day. We are with you.