Chemo Yesterday

Yep, got chemo and was so exhausted I went to bed at about 6:30 last night - so no post. Not posting is one of the last things I thought of before I fell asleep. This is what I was going to post "Got hit by a truck, got up, got hit by a truck again, stay tuned for news of my miraculous survival." But I just couldn't get up the energy.  That does pretty much feel accurate.

Right now I am pretty okay. Freaked out about everything as usual. I just wish I could get more hours of the day when I am not scared out of my boots, as my mom says. I have moments when my mind is still and then I snap out of it. I have some great relaxation tapes that help, but I need stillness to be a greater part of my life. Any ideas of how to get there? I will take any and all tips.

Tomorrow I give my pump back and get my first Neulasta shot. Then I have my CT scan on the 27th. I won't know anything about it until Dec. 3 at the earliest. That is the date Dr. B. will present my case to the Tumor Board. That's the multidisciplinary team that decides what the next course of action is. I am having chemo on the 1st, so my guess is that the TB will recommend more chemo. The other choice would be surgery, which you all know I want. It's not really an option until my liver clears up a little. There are so many tumors on my liver that it is not operable at the moment - it might be different from this course of chemo, but Dr. B. said that would be unlikely. The thing about Dr. B. is that he has to tell me a lot of bad news, so I think he's more of an asshole than he really is. Since I met with him yesterday, I think he's a pretty big one. One day he will give me good news and I will think he is a saint, until then,,,

Thanks for all the well-wishes yesterday, they were well needed and appreciated. I am pretty tired right now and have to get a very sad and tired Bennett off to bed. I am not sure what the matter is, but as you can imagine she is stressed out too. It's pretty likely she doesn't know what the matter is either. How that breaks my heart.