Now I Know What I Need

I thought I needed a support group, so I went to one last night. It was awful. It was traumatic. It is up there with the liver biopsy as one of the hardest things that has happened to me during this journey of mine.

I want to make clear that I am a true believer in therapy and 12-step groups and prayer circles and even support groups. And I believe that this support group is right for the people in it. Just count me out. I can't say too much, because the people in that group are people who are truly suffering and my heart really goes out to them. I can say that now I know what I need. I need a room full of joy, song, prayer, and the occasional good cry. I need the messiness of healing and lightness around me.

My sister Janna said that I can't dull my sword facing the enemies of others, that I needed to keep my sword sharp to fight my own enemy. Real truth and power are in those words. I have to fight this beast like the warrior I am. And I am not fighting alone. In those moments when my mind is free, I sometimes hear "I have cancer." So I decided I have to think of other things I have so when that tiny window opens, I can fill it with "I have God," "I have love," "I have Pat," "I have Bennett." I can't tell you how comforting those words are.

I can't leave on a heavy note, it has been a very heavy day. So I write about Bennett. First she has mastered our new iPad. Today she turned it on, opened it, booted up Netflix, found Caillou (a PBS cartoon about a 4-year old) and started the show all by herself. She turned to me and said, "Look Mom-o, I found Caillou." I might have to password protect the iPad...

Second we were goofing around and she said to Pat, "Come here, Mama, I am going to tickle you, I am going to tickle your arm peach."