It's Like Coming Out All Over Again

When I see someone I haven't seen for awhile, the first thing I think to tell them is, "I have cancer." I don't, but it's there. Mostly I say I am fine, Bennett is thriving, she is going to a new preschool in a couple of weeks, blah blah blah. But my mind is not participating with me - it's got a mind of its own. It wants the relief of telling this terrible truth. To anyone. To everyone. That first week, I would have thought the sullen cashier at the grocery store was just the person to confide in.  The news is that surreal to me.

But I spare myself the tut-tuts and the tilted heads and the I am so sorrys, because I can't stand them from virtual strangers. My friends can tut-tut me all they want, because they really mean it. And this is a tut-able situation.

I remember when someone I didn't know very well would tell me something awful. It would scare the crap out of me and I would say the right things and make the right sounds and get the hell out of there. Thank God so many people whom I don't know well have come forward to offer real help. Thank God these fine people are not acting like I did. Boy, am I sorry now.

Now I have a chance to be different and help people in real ways when I can. What a lesson to learn. What a hard thing to look back on chances to help not taken because of that enemy, fear.

Again, I will advise us all to avoid falling into the traps fear sets for us. Wily fear, go away, you are not welcome here.

This post surprises me. I had a lovely day. I got to walk the dog while talking to my friend Jessica- who is having a baby in November. I can't wait to meet that new person! Pat, Bennett and I went to Snow Farm for lunch and so P could do some work stuff. We picked apples and pears from the gone-wild trees there. We went to our CSA farm and they have kindly offered me five extra pounds of carrots a week so I can juice them. The weather was perfect and I was protected by SPF85 sunscreen and my trusty hat. We were lucky enough to run into Aunties Ruth and Theo, got to eat ice cream sandwiches and raspberries.

So, what's my problem? Having cancer ruins everything. Not always, just this minute. It puts an unwelcome veil over everything. I don't want it there, I try every trick I can think of to get rid of it, but sometimes it just doesn't work. A friend who had breast cancer said to me today "cancer totally sucks, and Ruth, I mean it really sucks. But it awakened me in a spiritual way that I would never have if I didn't go through it." It's true. When I think of her life before and what she holds dear today, those things are really different.

I will take those words to heart while I struggle tonight. This sucks but here is my big chance to wake the heck up.