What was that?

What is that? What was that? What could that be? I keep asking myself.

Sitting on the floor playing with Bennett leaning on my hand for too long, my hand is numb. Oh my god, it's neuropathy, for sure. That's a sometimes irreversbile numbness one can get in the hands or finger tips from chemo drugs. Why isn't the drain for the shower draining? The only reasonable answer is my hair is falling out. What's that stinging in my belly - tumors ignoring the chemo drugs and growing to colossal size.

I miss my pump.  At least while it was stuck to my chest I had something real to obsess about.  Now it's just the mental full-body scan every 25 seconds.

Let's talk about something else. Today Bennett and I went to a birthday party for a now two-year old whom we know from music class. Bennett was in the heaven of a house full of super deluxe toys, and I got to have a pile a guacamole and some ice cream for lunch. Nice and calorie dense.  It is a little strange to try to sneak calories in where I can. Eggs with creme fraiche, half and half as part of a smoothie, ice cream every night. I hope I don't get heart disease.

I didn't post yesterday, I had a rough one. I spent the morning in the lawyer's office sewing up my "living trust." After hearing the words "should you become terminally ill" or "should you become incapacitated" a few times, it's a little hard to breathe. Pat and Bennett were with me, and that helped a ton, but it's all about getting our money in order in case I die. That's just the fact, and I hate it. It's also true that we would not have to do this if we could marry federally. I hate that too.

Then my now ex-doctor called. Yes, the one who gave me a clean bill of health. I could barely contain my fury. She just kept saying how odd it was that I was so healthy, with absolutely no symptoms, and here I was with cancer. Then she asked "did the surgery get it all?" I don't even know what to write. Dumb and insensitive and someone I trusted with my health for 12 years.

I ended the afternoon with a truly glorious trip to our CSA farm. As luck with have it, Bennett's best best friend, Avy, was there and they had ice cream sandwiches, played in the sand box and were expertly managed by Avy's fab mom, Sandy.  More luck allowed Aunts Ruth and Theo to take Bennett to pick and eat raspberries in the sun.

I stayed under the awning with my big hat and sunscreen worrying about photosensitivy. Since I don't really know what it means, I imagine I could bust out into boils or something horrible. So I called Mary. And I will just wrap this post up by quoting her comment from the last post "stay in the shade, but feel the sunshine."  After talking to her, I can.