You might want to get your tissues out for this one. I know I have mine. No, nothing happened, I did not get any bad news. I did spend the day very sad. So I thought I would post about it. It's all well and good to try to present as well and good, but some days are just very hard.
I was weepy all day. Just sad as can be. I thought the thoughts I didn't want to think and they did me in. I thought a lot about loss and how hard it would be for Pat and Bennett if I died. That is enough to get me going again. What would happen to my piles of artwork, what would happen if Pat decided to sell this place where we live? What would happen to Bennett's heart - would it break in an irreparable way? What about my people, all of my people, what happens to them? I become another story of someone they knew who died from cancer. Why are there so many of these f*ing stories?
Fear and anxiety have been my companions today. They were not invited, but they came anyway. They seem to have a key to the house. Bastards.
Then I went to reflexology with the Magic Maryann. She told me to think of life like a Japanese garden - you can only see the next ten steps, and the next steps will only be revealed with each step taken. I get into real trouble when I get ahead of myself. I am not dead. I am not dying. I am certainly not dying in the next ten days (barring some unfortunate accident, which could happen to any of us, blah blah blah). Bennett will be the blazing spirit on this earth that she is no matter what happens.
Pat reminds me that we have to believe that I am going to live. And that reminds me that I have to do things like place the books order for Bennett's class and call the drywall guy to do the Gallery. And, for goodness sakes, find a therapist. I have been trying, but the one I called today lost her husband to cancer and I didn't think she would make a good match for me. I want someone who has a spouse who lived. I want my therapist to think that cancer is something we survive. Period.
I will quote my mother again - I don't want to die, I just want to know what happens. My mother is going to be 82 in March, God bless her, and I want her to find out what happens too. I want us all to know what happens. Enough said.
Ruth,
ReplyDeleteMaybe '10 Steps in a Japanese Garden' is the title. It's true for all of us; think of the things you have to do today or tomorrow. You can only do what you can do. Among many things, I experience you as organized and determined; cancer really screws up well laid plans. On the other hand, those qualities along with your intelligence and compasion will see you thru this. So many people thank you for your strength shown in your writing. Someday, maybe 60 stepping stones along in the garden, you will look back and remember how you shared your love and strength.
Elizabeth
Dear Ruth, I gathered, last night, with a group dear girl friends I have known for over 20 years. After dinner we held hands, closed our eyes and sent you tons of healing loving energy,and light. Hope it makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Love to you all, Karen B
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