Mind Full, Body Blank

What a shift today. I woke up fully aware this morning, but so tired. Tired is not even in the same league as how I felt. Exhausted, fatigued? None of it is right. I heard the voice of Sue the chemo nurse, don't spend all day in bed. So I got up and walked the dog. My ears were blown and that makes me feel like I can't really see or hear, so that was pretty uncomfortable. Plus, the walk was brief. I got home and played with B for about an hour and had to take a two hour nap. Pat took B to Aunt Julie's while I continued to spend the day in bed. Mostly giving myself a hard time for being in bed. I wrenched myself out for about 30 minutes, which I spent shakily cutting glass in the studio. That sent me back to bed for another nap. At that point I called my mom and spent the rest of the time in bed, reading, chatting and feeling like it just had to be okay that I needed to be there, in the damn bed.

I would be there now but Bennett is sleeping there. I have been spending the nights in the back room because Bennett has a cold - and Pat is working is that room. 4000 square feet and no place to go. No, really, I am being melodramatic. I want to post. I want to post to a blog called "My Cancer Year." The premise being I tried having cancer for a year, then gave it up or adopted some parts of my experience into my life, but cut some of the harder bits out. Like this is voluntary - and at the end I get a fat book contract.

No such luck. This business has been going on for only about 2.5 months and I am already pretty sure what bits I would cut out. The cancer would go, for sure. The chemo right after that. I would keep the people at UMASS Memorial because they are so nice and attentive. I would also keep all of the reflexology and the ways people are super nice to me. I would also make sure not to keep the fatigue and all the millions of pills.

Oh, and the Ensure would have to go. My god, how gross is that stuff? I have been drinking two a day to up my calories. It tastes like a bad milkshake with a multivitamin crushed in there. I am very thin, at least for me. My smallest pants fall off me and I need to get a belt soon or the world will see the state of my sad sad huge underpants. Am I getting too personal?

Tomorrow is Monday. Pat will be home in the afternoon, so I don't have to worry about the long day with B on my own. We need someone to come live with us. Why, I ask, are all of my nieces and nephews so responsible and stable? If only there was one who needed a place to be for a few months, who would be willing to help out and just be part of this craziness? Any ideas?

I am going to pray for tomorrow to be filled with light, enough physical and mental strength to get me through the day, and a good appetite. Pray with me, will you?