The Days Get Better

Ask and you shall receive, that is the lesson for me today. I asked my friend Ruth for help to better understand if I was lying (thanks, Mom) in bed because I was chemo-ized or paralyzed from fear. It turns out the answer is both, but she helped me work out a lot of my fear. It's hard and exhausting work to try to get to the kernel of what is going on. Nothing that is much of a surprise. Mostly afraid of the amorphous future and dying.

Fricking, fracking, wily fear. You are not welcome here. GO away.

And mostly it did. Thank God. I truly mean it, thank God. I was so filled with fear I couldn't really move without worrying that I was going to break. Literally break into a million pieces. I guess that what writers mean when they say someone is shattered. I felt like that would happen to me if I moved too quickly. So, again, there was crying and gnashing of teeth, then there was a peaceful walk around the neighborhood and some other realizations. I have been spending too much time by myself. What to do about that is hard to know. I am not up for a job, and mostly everyone has a job. I'll keep you posted. I bet if I don't feel like I am paralyzed by fear, it will be easier to get into the studio. That's being alone, but it's not lonely.

While I finished my walk I realized I would be home alone, so I called Pat to see if she could come home with Bennett. We all arrived home at the same time. A lovelier afternoon than expected, a nice time talking with Pat while Bennett consumed her weight in noodles. Some excellent soup and reading books to B before bed. That feels like getting my life back. What's nice is not feeling the fear pumping through my chest all of the time. I thought that was the chemo. I am very tired, a good physical tired, from the walk and the crying. It's a nice change from being stunned.