Crying for Cabbage

Tonight I actually started crying when Pat ate her dinner. I was so jealous. She sat down to eat some sauteed cabbage, carrots and chicken. Not exactly gourmet, but compared to the Ensure and the anti-gas pill I was consuming...and it smelled so good. I realize now that I haven't had a real meal since I was in the hospital five weeks ago. Sure, I've had my soups and my beef broth with an egg, but my soul wants a plate. A plate with whole foods on it that I can bite into and chew. Ah, to chew, what a thought.

There are two problems. One is the blockage by the big tumor in my colon which means not much can pass through. I won't go into too much detail, but you get the picture. The theory is when the tumor shrinks, the area for what used to be food to pass through would get bigger, thereby making eating easier. There is also the real chance that this part of my colon will actually shrink with the tumor, then I will be in exactly the same predicament as I am now. Time will tell.

Problem number two is the gas. And we've talked about this before. An indelicate subject, but one we all know intimately. The place where the tumor is sometimes blocks the gas from getting to where is needs to go - which is out. So I take an anti-gas pill four times a day. They help a ton, but there is still enough air movement to make Pat turn her head and Bennett to ask if there is thunder in there (a direct quote from last night).  And it does hurt sometimes. Not like it used to, but if I am not super careful about what I eat, when I eat, how much etc., I can get into some real trouble, which really scares me.

And it makes me so sad. Sadder than I thought it would. I guess it's a little like my hair. I didn't think it would bother me, but it really does in a deep and troubling way. I knew the cancer would really bother me, but I just assumed the hair and the food and the fatigue would just be sort of incidental. I knew my life would change, but not so thoroughly. I am not sure what I was thinking. I guess there is no way to know until you get here. I can talk to as many people as I want who've made it to the other side, but I can't know what my journey, my response, will be until I am there.  Sometimes it is as big a surprise to me as it is to you.