All day today I've been a little jittery. Just feeling really good physically and able to do much more than even yesterday. It makes me a little nervous. You know, when is it going to end? Am I going to do something to mess it up? Eat the wrong thing? Forget to take my meds? Over do it? All things that are super easy to do when you are just a little jittery but feeling physically finer than usual.
I figured out why I have been so jittery. It will come as no surprise that how long I am going to live is really on my mind. I can usually remind myself that no one has any guarantees, etc., but today (and yesterday) that comfort has been elusive. So it finally struck me while I was reading a Dora book to Bennett, yes, I am going to live. As a matter of fact I am living right now. Does the actual number of years I get in the future really matter. Not really. It's all so abstract - why not be here, now? It was like a bolt of lightening hit me - all that worrying just getting in the way. For what? For nothing, that's what. I will never know the answer, none of us do. We all hope for a good 80 or 90 or 100 years, but none of us knows. While this might scare the crap out of you, it makes me feel so much better.
Just like this blog makes me feel better. It's like a layer of anxiety washes off of me every night when I post. It's freeing to be able to write how I feel and know that people I love will read it and feel it with me. I have to acknowledge that I am asking you all to do something that is hard - to come on this journey with me. It's not been easy, and it will get harder. But then it will get easier again, so hang in there. Thank you all so much for your well wishes and your offers of help. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and will call on you when we need help. For now we are muddling through and plan on hiring someone to come clean a couple of times a month. That will help so much.
I'll keep you posted.
I'm usually praying for you at the end of your posts, but tonight, I'm also praying for the rest of us: that the same lightening-bolt grace of your day today can be all of ours. Thanks for sharing this gift with us.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Ruth, It is an honor to be on this journey with you. It helps me to keep my own life in perspactive and my heart greatful. It is also good to know that if there is nothing else I can do, at least posting a comment is helpful for you. You are alive and you are winning this battle. It is evident in you words about your interactions with Bennett. What a blessing a daughter is. Our children are our best medicin Thank You Ruth.
ReplyDeleteLOVE AND LIGHT! Karen Bouchard
Ruthie, Ruthie, Ruthie, of course we are happy to share this journey with you. And who wouldn't love the intimate details of your diary-therapy like blog...let's just start with the big panties? You know, my current diabetic journey is reminding me of the "little" stuff in your writing. Like my personal bloomers being so big I look like poor white trash. And instead of eating Nutella, I am eating raw almond butter everyday....just that, and that's my meal. I too am thinner, though not thin, like you. Your body may be thinning but your heart is tough and getting stronger I am admiring that every day! Hogs, Kisses, and everything to do with it. B
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