I'm Still Out

Post surgery with my prayer shawl and party hat.

Not that I was planning to go anywhere, but it's still a marvel that I get to be home. I am healing and feeling. That's all I can say. I am pretty sore, still not using any pain meds. I think all of the mental prep I did before the surgery has really helped. I listened to my healing meditation recordings literally all night at the hospital- when I woke up (or was woken up), I would just turn it back on. I took Arnica, after talking to the surgeon about it. He didn't know what it was, but diligently looked it up and before the surgery told me I could "take that plant" if I wanted to. I did, so I did.

Nancy the acupuncturist, is coming tomorrow for a house call. She will give me a treatment and then while I am resting, she will give Mary a treatment for her frozen shoulder muscles. I can't wait to see her.

All and all it's been an okay day. I have been going between elation and sadness. It's exhausting. I think we are all really tired. I went back to bed today for what I thought would be an hour and Pat woke me when she checked on me 3 1/2 hours later. I will probably do the same tomorrow.

I thought I would try to get the church in the morning, but right now that seems like overdoing it. I will have to miss a week, which makes me sad. I really get a surprising amount of sustenance from going to church. I will miss it.

Tonight I got to eat pasta for the first time in a very long time. It was delicious. I am so grateful to be alive today. Even sore, even with the chemo coming up, even with everything, today is a good day.

How About a Little Hope

Boy, after yesterday, and I mean yesterday, not the post two days ago, I really was wretched. I finally called Dr. B. He told me to stop eating solid food, take a whole mess of gas/poop modifiers and if that didn't work by this morning to take myself to a special appointment he made for me today at 10:15.  If I started vomiting, I was to take myself to the nearest ER. That got my attention. I am happy to report his advice worked and I went to the appointment anyway. I bought this list:

EARS
HEART
CONSTIPATION
GAS
PAIN

I came away from my appointment with four new prescriptions, a directive not to take anymore oxycodone, and to take my pulse now and then and call to report my findings tomorrow. And he's never seen cleaner ears (I am sure my Mom is having a proud moment). My ears are just like a text book- and since it's a teaching hospital, I thought he just might drag me around to show the awfully young and faintly scared looking interns. The unfortunate news is there is no explanation why my ears are blowing. We did discover that if I put my head below my heart that it stops. Not my heart, but the blowing in my ears. I wish I could walk around that way.

I have a prescription for Vicodin for pain now. I don't like Vike, so it will be easy to avoid taking it. It seems like there should be a whole host of pain meds to choose from, but I am allergic to morphine, Dilaudid (which I can only remember as dial-a-dude, "Hey dude, I'm in pain!") is so strong that when I had it in the hospital, I was so high that I had to call Bob to talk me down. And most other drugs, including Vicodin, are mixed with Tylenol which is bad for my liver. So the goal is to keep everything in check so I don't need the pain meds. Wish me luck.

My heart has been beating faster than usual. That is a sometime effect of chemo. Dr. B. would like to avoid putting me on a beta-blocker. Huh?! I am the one who gets sideways glances from doctors because they cannot believe how big I am and how slow my heart is. My theory is that I haven't been eating, been taking too much Oxycodone and haven't been sleeping from the pain. Once these things are better, I bet my heart falls into line.

Now you know more about my body than you did five minutes ago. All of this information makes me feel better and almost human. I am still working on feeling present, because though the pain has decreased I am still anticipating it. I am going to follow my new orders to the letter and pray for a very good night's sleep. I really really need it. I will confess to falling asleep while putting Bennett to bed. I woke up about 25 minutes later and she was still awake.

A lovely Bennett poem that really hit me today - "There once was a sad elephant who looked up and saw the sun."

I know just how that elephant feels.

A Little Bit of Pain and Anger

I am pretty much a mess today. I feel awful and tired. I am sitting on the floor trying to get some gas out- but it is so stubborn. My belly feels like there are tiny little mice with sharp teeth and claws running around in there. The docs said GasX, it doesn't really help. I read online that there is the kind of gas that you burp and the kind that is lower and that controlling the lower kind is difficult. No kidding. Oh, and the website (for a cancer hospital, I can't remember which one) also mentioned that it can be painful. Double no kidding.

This is not to say that I am online doing research about cancer- just chemo related gas. I did catch something about stages of colorectal cancer and that sent me into a small head spin. That is when I got out some fennel seed and started chewing, hoping against hope that it would work on the lower kind of gas. Because I want the gas to go away, I don't want to keep taking pain killers.

I haven't really been able to eat either. I was just going to say that I am not nauseous, but I am not sure that's true. Everything smells a little off and thinking about eating just makes me think "ewwww."

I haven't even mentioned how angry I am today. I am pretty mad. It seemed like my life was going pretty well, and bam! Now I can barely take care of Bennett. Monday is my day with her now that she is in school Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. And we had to call Aunt Liz to come get her, I just couldn't manage. That pisses me off. And you know what? it's not the cancer, it's the chemo. It feels really wrong to be mad at the chemo, when that is what is saving my life. You'd think I'd be normal and be mad at the cancer. Well, until a few short months ago, we seemed to be getting along just fine.

How twisted is this? It is how I feel though. I have at least four more chemo rounds to go - that's just until the next scan. My plan is for the docs to be so shocked that they 1) see only spontaneous remission, 2) order surgery to take out the little bits that remain. Let's all pray for #1, with #2 a good fall back.

That was my imperfect day. I can't even pep talk myself into feeling any better. I think it's time to do a little gratitude check with God. I'll keep you posted.