Yep, another day with the vast majority of time in bed. I made it to church, came home and played with Bennett until Aunt Ruth came over. Then I passed out - not literally, but went to bed and slept for an hour and a half. I qualified the passing out part, because I have been very light-headed all day. Several times today I had to quickly sit back down. Not a great feeling.
Interestingly, you'd think I'd be happier with the good news and all. But I have quickly moved on to worrying about the surgery. Actually the after part, the pain, how to manage Bennett not elbowing me in the gut like she does a million times as day. And who is going to help Pat? I feel such a deep sense of guilt about it all, I can't make it go away. Keeping Pat from work, not being able to carry the laundry. Mostly I wonder what I am good for these days. Pat keeps reminding me that my job is to go to therapies and heal, and I know that's true, it's just hard for me. As you know.
You know it's all really about trying to figure out who I am as a person with cancer. I didn't think it would change me quite as much as it has. I have to say that I am pretty sure it has not brought out the best in me. At least not yet, I hope that will happen soon. It's hard to feel like my old self when I feel so crappy and the world seems so foreign. I am an expert at so many things that I can't do anymore, and a novice at the things I am supposed to do.
I will just keep praying for a nice clear pink liver and a golden clean abdomen so I can get back to those things. The praying is good in so many ways, and thanks for yours. I appreciate them so much.
Of course you're going to have anxiety and worry about the impact. Just have confidence that Pat is a strong person and can handle whatever she has to - I know she can. I think B can learn ways to be gentle around you as you heal. We'll all keep envisioning your healthy insides (and outsides). Elizabeth
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