January 3

That's the date of the surgery. Monday, January 3. I have some tests the week before and I am sure there will be some at home prep before the surgery, but there it is. I have such conflicting feelings about it. I am happy that I am in the right place health-wise to get the surgery, but I know it's going to hurt like a mother f'er. I can do it, I know I can. I am going to do every thing that I can to heal as fast as I can. I have an appointment with someone who is going to help me through something called Prepare for Surgery Heal Faster. From what I understand it is a custom visualization tape and process that will help me heal faster. I like that. I've also asked my acupuncturist if she will come to my house after the surgery and she said yes. Tomorrow I will ask Magical Maryann if she will come too. Knowing that these powerful healers are coming will also help.

I had acupuncture today. I can't really say why, but I love it. I love how subtle it is and how ancient it is. I came home and my intention was to listen to my mediation tape and then do some things around the house. Two hours later, I woke up. I am just going to call this a healing day. Because that is what I did, acupuncture then a nap, next thing I know Bennett is home and we are hanging out. What a lovely soul she is to have around. Don't get me wrong, three and a half is a hard age, so many questions and so much observation that it can be exhausting. But she is so fun.

She has a pretend grandma who lives in Springfield who is sick and has to go to the doctor a lot to get shots in her stomach. She is very sick and sleeps all the time. We talk about this grandma and every time it takes all of my strength to ask her more questions so she can talk about how she is really feeling about me. I know it's not fake-grandma she talking about, I know it's me. I try not to let it break my heart, and know that it's just her process and I have to honor it the best I can. I just wish with my whole heart that she didn't have to go through this. I wish I didn't have to go through this. I have to ask my therapist how to talk to her about being gone for surgery and coming back in whatever shape I come back in. I was going to say I was going to come back in fragile shape, but I am really coming to believe that my mindset has tons to do with how I feel. Okay, the light headedness is not really something I can control, but I think part of the reason I don't feel nausea is because I don't think this chemo makes me nauseous. I stopped taking about half of the medicine because it was making me drowsy and I feel fine. I even ate an Oreo cookie tonight. That is not soup. I hope I haven't done something terribly wrong.

Thank God I feel fine. I am going to try my best to make this break from chemo as good and productive as possible, with a little Christmas cheer mixed in.