Getting Ready

Today was a day that I used to get ready. I ordered a bunch of things on line so I can have them before the surgery - nightshirts, sleeping hats, dog foods. You can get everything on line, I swear. I filled out a bunch of paperwork that has been waiting, waiting for what? Who knows. The right moment when I didn't feel a paralyzing sense that I didn't need to do the paperwork because I was going to be dead anyway. Super depressing, but true. Some days I just feel the future and some days I don't. Today I did- and even told my therapist that this cancer is not going to kill me and truly felt it. It was very freeing.

I also went through every single Amazon.com box that has arrived in the past several weeks. I thought they were all Christmas presents. As it turns out, some of them were just gifts. Like a nice heating pad from my sister and niece, Libby. She is not both my sister and my niece, you understand.  Also some great books and this wild hat from Tanta Di.

Who needs real hair? The tag says not for children under the age of 14. I've never seen a tag like that before.

So, after going through the boxes, I ended up only having four things to wrap and put under the tree. I did cheat and keep out the incredible shearling slippers my sister, Joanne, sent. They are not waiting two more weeks to keep my feet toasty, no way. With only four things under the tree, I felt the need to go shopping. And, as you know, I haven't been shopping (except on line) in months. After 50 minutes of crying in therapy, I went to A2Z and got B some great things, and somewhere else to get some things for Pat's stocking. I cannot reveal too much as she will be reading this at some point.

You might be wondering about the 50 minutes of crying. I was deeply sad today. Which is a little weird to post right under that photo of me laughing, but there you have it. Deeply sad was this afternoon, I feel a lot better now. My therapist pointed out that this is a sad situation and that crying is totally appropriate. That's good because I cry pretty much every single day. It's good for me, like my nap, like my visualization tapes, like this blog. It all helps me feel like my life is okay- I have to qualify that with "most days." Because some days no matter how much I cry or post or nap, I feel like I got the shit end of the stick. But not today, today I got the end with the good stuff- far enough away from the shit that I can almost forget that it's there. Thank God. Really.