Feeling Good with Trepidation

That's the only way I can describe how I feel. I feel very good, almost normal but with the understanding that I will not have this luxury for very long. I am truly trying to savor every minute, and I am doing okay at that. But what did I just do? I went onto Wikipedia and read all about this drug Avastin that Dr. B is hot to use on me. Well, now I am not feeling normal, I am freaked out. This is a drug used to prolong life, not cure cancer. Okay, I have to remind myself that it is only one drug that we will be using, the other drugs are for curing, I suppose. Dr. B did say at our last meeting the his goal was not a cure but control. I thought that was shooting too low. Now I am sweating and my hands are tingling from fear.

I actually thought that if I read information about Avastin, I would feel better, reassured. What was I thinking? I never feel better or reassured by the Internet. I don't go on the Internet just for this very reason. I was feeling great and now I feel like I am going to die tomorrow and there is no hope. Nancy, the acupuncturist, says that I need to welcome my fear, take a step back from it and examine it. Was I afraid when I first started posting? No, I felt great. What did I do next? Went online and found out information that really has nothing to do with me. It's all just studies and stats that may or may not be relevant to me.

And I ask myself, what is wrong with a prolonged life? Isn't that what all these treatments are about?

Maybe I should just start over. I had a good day, I listened to my visualization tape and had an amazing session with Magic Maryann. I made sure she made house calls so she can come over while I am recuperating. I made calls to folks I haven't talked to in a while and generally took advantage of the good feelings.

Okay, I took some time off from this post to think. I did what Nancy taught me which is to identify the fear - the drugs would not work. Did I know this to be true. No. What is the turnaround? The drugs will work. This is what I believed until I read that stupid Wikipedia entry. I am no longer sweating and tingling. But I feel the echo of the fear.