Three Hours on the Ipad

That is what I did with B today and now I have an eye-ache. B is sick so when I got home form acupuncture I thought we would take a nap together. Ha! We took the Ipad for a spin and didn't stop. B is completely obsessed with puzzles. I think we have every free kid's puzzle available on our Ipad. I even bought a few. The ones that cost are a lot better - I have to say. I even broke down and got her a dress your princess paper doll-like game. She was enthralled for an hour. I was shocked at how slutty the clothes were.

Acupuncture was amazing today. The session lasts an hour, the actual acupuncture only takes about half that time. The rest is talking. I feel like I get so much out of that time, like maybe she should be my therapist. She works through this belief system based on The Work. I don't know much about it, but it certainly makes me feel better. She helped me understand that if I believe I will be in pain after the surgery, then I will. If I take the next three weeks and remember that I am a fast healer, and have a high tolerance for pain (both of these things are true), then I don't have to be in so much pain. That I will be in the pain I am in, and that it that. It was very freeing. What happened to me, is that I have been listening to other people's stories about the pain they were in and making it mine. It's not mine. Mine has not happened yet and you will know what it's like in the most minute detail. I will see how I feel Jan 3rd or 4th to see how I can get a post up.

In case you are wondering, the needles went into my head, feet, ears and hands today. I also realized that my ears don't blow anymore and the neuropathy I was starting to feel in three of my left hand fingers is gone. These are things we've been working on. I don't know if it's that I am getting a break from chemo or if it's the acupuncture, I don't care. It's just so much better.

The Cancer Connection is closed the week between Christmas and New Year's, so I lined up Reiki and acupuncture on my own. I want to make sure to continue to get all the help I can until my surgery, then I have lined everyone up to make house calls. I also got some homeopathic arnica to help me heal. I will tell my surgeon of course, but I am psyched to have all the help I can get.

I have a touch of a headache so I am going to get to bed early. Good night everyone. Sweet dreams.

Why Didn't I Post?

I don't know. I could feel the difference in my mood today and I attribute part of it to not posting last night. The rest I give to the dreary weather and my general Monday anxiety. We had a home day, which we both sorely needed. Not that I get out that much, but it was nice not to go anywhere and have B stay in her PJs all day long. She had a slight fever, so it was good to be home so I could coax her into taking her tylenol and drinking tons of fluids.

Today she added containers of Playdoh to the Christmas tree. Not under, but on the tree. I think this tree is just going to end up with lots of weird decorations. We have two bags of presents under the tree. Both bags were left at the front door with no way to tell who they are from. So, if it was one of you guys, thanks. Really, it's nice to be the recipients of such generosity. I just truly wish I knew who to thank.

I am incredibly anxious about the surgery today. I had to take extra Atavan. As an aside, I had an interesting conversation with my acupuncturist about Atavan. She told me of this woman she admired who had cancer, terrible anxiety and a lot of clarity about how important it was to take her anti-anxiety meds. She was just really accepting of the fact that they made her life a whole lot easier and better and she didn't have any qualms about taking them. I have been trying to channel that kind of ease around my meds. So today when my now 5am half an Atavan stopped working around 2, I took another half and my life was so much better.

Did I write about the 5am Atavan? I don't think so. My therapist told me that the key to anxiety, pain and nausea is to stay ahead of them. If you get too far into any one of them, it's hard for the meds to catch up. So she suggested that since I wake at around 5 every morning anyway, to not wait until I felt the anxiety, but to just take half an Atavan under my tongue and go back to bed. It works like a charm. Now I can actually go back to sleep and wake up not anxious. I think my therapist knows a lot of tricks about drugs. I like that.

I think I will be less anxious about the surgery after my appointment with the surgeon on Friday. I keep reminding myself that these guys are experts at pain management. My mom, who had her hips replaced, said that she felt very well taken care of pain-wise. She also mentioned that the pre-op is handled very well, very gently. I hope that will be true at UMASS too.

I have to go now. All of this is making me want to cry. Crying without eyelashes is very messy. You wouldn't believe how big tears really are until they are no longer filtered through lashes. I hope you never have to find this out.

No Post

I called my mom instead of posting. No worries, please. I will post tomorrow- so keep looking. I promise is will be good.

Post 111

This is my 111th post. I can't believe it. I think 110 posts ago, I thought I would be dead by now. Cancer has such a bad reputation, that it's hard not to think you are going to drop dead at any moment. I supposed that might be true if you had a bad heart or something, but my guess is if I am going to die, they will let me know a few weeks or months ahead of time.

My God how did I get onto that subject. I have had a worrying day. Not for you to worry about, but I have been worrying. What about? Mostly silly things like is my head going to be cold while I am in the hospital? My hair looks so bad, I am worried about not being in control of having a hat on all the time. This strange vanity is also a bit worrying, now that I think about it. I just have to give it all up to God. That's the answer, and I know it. I have to give up the parts that I can't control - like how Pat is going to manage. She totally will, but I hate to think of all she is going to have to do. I am worried that Bennett is going to accidentally hurt me while I am healing. I am afraid that Pat will get snowed in while visiting me at the hospital, I am worried that I am going to have to spend so many hours alone at the hospital, I am worried that they will open me up and find something they didn't know about and just have to sew me back up. This is just the tip of the worry-berg.

It's funny to go from one day of feeling groovy, to the next of not feeling that groovy at all. I feel like saying that fear is a fickle friend, but I am not sure that makes any sense. I guess it means that today fear was a visiting, and yesterday he must have been at someone else's house.

On the brighter side. We got our tree today. It's little- only just over 5 ft. Bennett was more interested in playing on the playground where we got the tree than getting the tree, but once we got the box of ornaments out, she was totally into it. She hung most of the ornaments- luckily most of them are plastic.

No one else is up right now, so here I am with the tree. Take a moment to notice just by my right (to you) ear the sock hanging on the tree. When we ran out of ornaments, B decided she would start hanging the laundry on the tree. We stopped her at two socks.

B also found two of her presents today and does not believe me that Santa took all of the Amazon.com boxes with him to wrap the presents and will bring them back on Christmas morning. Boy, it is hard to wait for Christmas when the concept of time is so abstract.

That's all for today. I am going to go with my intuition and not ask the surgeon to say affirmations. I am going to believe with all my heart that God and you all will be watching over me that day and the he (the surgeon) needs to do his job unhindered.  It just seems like the experts should be doing what they are supposed to be doing. You guys praying and sending light, the surgeon operating. Right? Right.

Feeling Groovy

Today was a good day. Yes, I have to say, a very good day. I almost feel like myself. I have been eating more things - like cookies, and have not had a bad reaction to them. The only thing is my teeth are not used to anything crunchy, so they are a little sore. I know that sounds weird to me too.  Tonight Pat made me little polenta pizzas. They were delicious and I am going to have pumpkin custard (a mainstay) for dessert. I have cut back to only two Ensures a day- I still want to maintain my/gain weight. They may taste terrible, but those 350 calories go down in about six gulps.

We went to Barnes and Noble to hang out and I splurged on the original Grinch movie. We spent the afternoon watching the Grinch, I also finished another hat using up all the yarns from the other caps I've recently made. This is from yarn that Mary sent me (really she sent a gift certificate, but I think of it as from Mary). I have very little hair left and am wearing caps all the time, for looks and warmth. I like the kind of cap that fit snugly and this pattern is pretty perfect. Next I am going to make a blue doggy hat Bennett has been asking for. I hope she really wants it, as her pink kitty hat met its demise in the washing machine.

It's a little odd to be feeling this good. It's almost hard to enjoy it knowing what's coming, but I have to take advantage because they are going to change up the chemo drugs and they might not be as nice to me. I didn't even have a nap today.

Oh, I met with the woman from Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster. I am not really sure about it. It's a program of visualization (I can get behind that), but I am supposed to ask the surgeon and anesthesiologist to say affirmations to me while I am under. It just seems like too much to ask. I just want them to pay attention to my guts and getting the cancer out of there. It seems reasonable to ask the anesthesiologist to say nice things to me while putting me under and maybe even holding my hand, but I just don't know. I am also supposed to listen to the visualization tape on repeat the entire surgery. What do you think? I will ask the surgeon what the atmosphere in the OR is like. It's a teaching hospital so God knows what they will be talking about, so it might be a good idea not to hear what's going on. I just don't know. I don't even know how to put my Ipod on repeat.

Time to relax and not get too crazy about the surgery. I just want to normal night to go with my normalish day.

Therapy, Therapy, Therapy

Today I decided that I don't find therapy to be that satisfying. I think it's because I find the other therapies so soul satisfying, that a non-touch, all-talk therapy session just seems like no relief at all. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased to have someone to talk to that knows about cancer and can give me some good tips, but what I need is relief. Stress, anxiety, whatever is all over my body and having acupuncture and Reiki and reflexology help so much with my mind and my body.

I had therapy today and actually left feeling more anxious than when I arrived. I told her and she suggested I choose to leave the anxiety with her in her office. I thought that seemed like a great idea. Maybe next time I will ask her if I can leave the cancer there as well.

I am getting ready to get ready for surgery. I am going to order some more of the ugly but extremely comfortable sleep hats. I have been reading a book on what to ask the surgeon and anesthesiologist. I am working out with house calls for after the surgery for Reiki, etc. I like to be prepared.

I am trying to remain as relaxed as possible. The mediation recordings really help. Hanging with Pat and Bennett help too. The one really great thing my therapist told me today was we all need to touch each other more. That physical contact can greatly relieve anxiety. I totally agree, but have to point out the irony that her chair is no less than 10 feet from the couch where I sit. And why are therapist couches always so low and cheap? I have never in all my many years of therapy had a good place to sit.

I will leave it at that. Tomorrow meeting with the Prepare for Surgery person. I will let you know how it goes. I took a look at the book and it's pretty interesting. As always, I will keep you posted.

January 3

That's the date of the surgery. Monday, January 3. I have some tests the week before and I am sure there will be some at home prep before the surgery, but there it is. I have such conflicting feelings about it. I am happy that I am in the right place health-wise to get the surgery, but I know it's going to hurt like a mother f'er. I can do it, I know I can. I am going to do every thing that I can to heal as fast as I can. I have an appointment with someone who is going to help me through something called Prepare for Surgery Heal Faster. From what I understand it is a custom visualization tape and process that will help me heal faster. I like that. I've also asked my acupuncturist if she will come to my house after the surgery and she said yes. Tomorrow I will ask Magical Maryann if she will come too. Knowing that these powerful healers are coming will also help.

I had acupuncture today. I can't really say why, but I love it. I love how subtle it is and how ancient it is. I came home and my intention was to listen to my mediation tape and then do some things around the house. Two hours later, I woke up. I am just going to call this a healing day. Because that is what I did, acupuncture then a nap, next thing I know Bennett is home and we are hanging out. What a lovely soul she is to have around. Don't get me wrong, three and a half is a hard age, so many questions and so much observation that it can be exhausting. But she is so fun.

She has a pretend grandma who lives in Springfield who is sick and has to go to the doctor a lot to get shots in her stomach. She is very sick and sleeps all the time. We talk about this grandma and every time it takes all of my strength to ask her more questions so she can talk about how she is really feeling about me. I know it's not fake-grandma she talking about, I know it's me. I try not to let it break my heart, and know that it's just her process and I have to honor it the best I can. I just wish with my whole heart that she didn't have to go through this. I wish I didn't have to go through this. I have to ask my therapist how to talk to her about being gone for surgery and coming back in whatever shape I come back in. I was going to say I was going to come back in fragile shape, but I am really coming to believe that my mindset has tons to do with how I feel. Okay, the light headedness is not really something I can control, but I think part of the reason I don't feel nausea is because I don't think this chemo makes me nauseous. I stopped taking about half of the medicine because it was making me drowsy and I feel fine. I even ate an Oreo cookie tonight. That is not soup. I hope I haven't done something terribly wrong.

Thank God I feel fine. I am going to try my best to make this break from chemo as good and productive as possible, with a little Christmas cheer mixed in.