Not Much To Say

That's the truth. It took forever for Bennett to fall asleep. I am feeling a little antsy, and my mind is a little blank. The good news is I feel pretty good and if this continues I might feel normal by the time the surgery happens. I have an appointment with the surgeon on Friday, December 17 with a feeling the surgery will not be until the first week in January. I guess that will have to do. I guess they don't do much surgery between Christmas and New Year's. Even surgeons need a holiday break, I guess.

I was diagnosed in the summer. So many things were closed, doctors on vacation etc, that it was frustrating and scary. So it seems fitting that my surgery would fall at a time - almost 6 months later - when things are closed and doctors are on vacation.  It seems my fate to wait until everyone is rested and relaxed. That is me trying to look at the silver lining.

Other than that, all is okay. I will keep dreaming of getting through the surgery to the other side where there will be a BLT waiting for me. Not BLT soup, which I would be more than happy to try, but a real BLT. Have one for me, will you?

I Want a Sandwich

A nice crusty panini with bacon, a fat slice of tomato and some mayo. I can have some mayo, and I had some bacon in the last of the really good sweet potato soup Sandy brought over. I also want a bowl full of spicy shrimp, pad thai, pho, or just a humble burrito. Soon, I hope. I hope with this surgery that I will be able to eat, just eat. I know it depends on how much of my colon they take - that can mean serious digestive issues. This is not the time to worry, just to dream. Right now I am dreaming of a steaming bowl of red curry coconut with sticky rice and a nice spring roll on the side.

Sleepy Sunday

Yep, another day with the vast majority of time in bed. I made it to church, came home and played with Bennett until Aunt Ruth came over. Then I passed out - not literally, but went to bed and slept for an hour and a half. I qualified the passing out part, because I have been very light-headed all day. Several times today I had to quickly sit back down. Not a great feeling.

Interestingly, you'd think I'd be happier with the good news and all. But I have quickly moved on to worrying about the surgery. Actually the after part, the pain, how to manage Bennett not elbowing me in the gut like she does a million times as day. And who is going to help Pat? I feel such a deep sense of guilt about it all, I can't make it go away. Keeping Pat from work, not being able to carry the laundry. Mostly I wonder what I am good for these days. Pat keeps reminding me that my job is to go to therapies and heal, and I know that's true, it's just hard for me. As you know.

You know it's all really about trying to figure out who I am as a person with cancer. I didn't think it would change me quite as much as it has. I have to say that I am pretty sure it has not brought out the best in me. At least not yet, I hope that will happen soon. It's hard to feel like my old self when I feel so crappy and the world seems so foreign.  I am an expert at so many things that I can't do anymore, and a novice at the things I am supposed to do.

I will just keep praying for a nice clear pink liver and a golden clean abdomen so I can get back to those things. The praying is good in so many ways, and thanks for yours. I appreciate them so much.

Change of Plans

Just a super quick post tonight. Stayed in bed most of the day and only got out of bed to go to Barnes and Noble to watch B perform with her school. We may have been the only parents there without a camera. Luckily Aunt Julie saved the day and took this picture of B with Curious G.

They look a lot alike - curious...

The change of plan is the surgery is not until after Christmas. Still don't know the date, but Dr B called last night to say there was a misunderstanding between him and the surgeon about when my last chemo was. We have to wait a little longer until my WBC recover and the chemo is not so fresh. I sort of feel like I am going to get a nice break- then I remember that surgery part.

The timing change is good in some ways and bad in others. I like to get things done, so was happy to think it might happen in the next week or two. It gives us more time to prepare and arrange for help. We are going to be calling on all of you - 4-6 weeks recovery is a long time. Postponing also gives me more time to worry about what it's going to be like.

I have had a good experience at that hospital, so I am happy about that. I am worried about the pain, getting snowed in, all kinds of things.

I am not going to get into it, it's just the game fear is playing with me. Screw you, fear, get out.

Tonight an early night to bed and hopefully deep deep sleep. That is what I need.

Today was the Day

Thank God we got some good news today. No new cancer, some tumors shrunk and everything else stayed the same. The next step is surgery. And soon. They want to do it before Christmas. I will know more on Monday when I call to schedule a consultation with the surgeon.  They want to move quickly because if it is not done within the next few weeks, I will have to have another chemo blast and that will delay the surgery and on and on. So Merry Christmas to me.

This is why the surgery is a good thing. It will take out the primary tumor, the parts of my colon that perforated, the cancerous lymph nodes and peritoneum. The idea is to get all of this out, especially the part of my colon that perforated, so they can use more aggressive drugs on my liver. This surgery will not touch the liver. Another good thing is I might be able to eat more normally, and will be in less pain (after the big giant pain of surgery).

Dr B. is hot to use a drug called Avastin. It is supposed to be a super tumor shrinker. So fast, in fact, that colons that have perforated will rip if it used. That is why they have to get that section of colon out of there. Chemo will start again as soon as 6 weeks after surgery- depending on how quickly I heal. That seems a little mean, but I am going to believe this is the best course of action to get this unwelcome crap out of my body.

I am not afraid of surgery. I am afraid of the pain, how Pat and Bennett will cope, what chemo might be like after surgery but these are all things that can wait. For tonight I am just going to revel in the fact that I have less cancer in me than I did four months ago and that makes me pretty happy. Oh, it was almost hard to use that word. It's been a long time since I've had any good news about this process, and now I have some. Yay.

Tomorrow's The Day

And I have been wigged out all day. I couldn't even relax during reflexology. The music was wrong, I had terrible thoughts zooming in and out of my mind, it was a bad scene. I called my mom who told me to find something distracting and hard. So I downloaded some puzzles on my Ipad and spent the evening with Bennett doing puzzles. They weren't hard, but they were distracting - as was Bennett and her lovely way.

Aunt Julie will have B while we travel the miles to get to Worcester, return the pump then wait for Dr B. I keep trying to picture him as a saint to help me see him as a benevolent force, but it's hard. Pat and I decided we don't need to know the details of the scans, we just need to know what we are going to do moving forward. If this chemo is not working, then what? If it is, how long do we do it until the next scan or whatever kind of check I am supposed to get?

I have friends who have loved their oncologists. I really wanted that to be true for me too. I want to love Dr B. I want to connect with him and feel like we are working on this project together. I don't know what's missing. I think it must be my aching fear that I suffer from every time I see him. Our very first meeting I had to put my head between my legs to not hyperventilate. I think of myself as pretty tough, but in this case I need softer delivery of information. But really how can this kind of information be delivered any way but how I hear it through the fear-filter.

So I will know a lot more tomorrow and hopefully I will feel like posting it. If I need to hide under the covers and not post, I know you will understand. I am actually doing more stewing than posting, so I should stop soon. I want to be a braver more graceful person. I want to write a post about how we are going to Worcester and are sure we are going to get good news. It's hard to feel that way, when most often it hasn't been true. Maybe tomorrow will be my day where it all turns around and I start to love my oncologist.

Chemo Today

Well, the Neulasta did its job - my WBC were 4700. That is 4300 more than the first time I did this dose without Neulasta. I was pretty out of it then. I feel completely wiped out tonight so only  a short post.

Chemo went fine, I have my pump. Ruth drove me and Liz took care of Bennett. Sandy brought soup for me and lollies for Bennett. The sunroof on the new car leaked all over Pat while she was driving home from work and that will need to get fixed ASAP.

I am going to bed. Goodnight and thanks for all the good wishes. They are working.